All I wanted
by Iram
Summary: Kaoru wants Kenshin, not the Rurouni, not the Battousai, just the man behind the sword. Well, maybe the sword as well... COMPLETE
1. Musings

STANDARD DISCLAIMERS APPLY: I own absolutely nothing at all!

_These are all of Kaoru's thoughts regarding her beloved swirly-eyed rurouni._

**All I wanted.**

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I wanted to touch him, to reach him, but I didn't know how… Instead, I stood there staring as he struggled to smile for me. He was always smiling for me, driving himself mad inside to cause me no more worries. I was so angry!!! Didn't he notice?! Didn't he realize that I didn't care?! That all I wanted from him was the truth, his truth?!

 A long time ago, I had become aware and accustomed to the fact that life wasn't a bed of roses, that life wasn't just bright smiles and sunshine. And there it was again, that standard rurouni grin of his… I tried to smile at him but failed miserably in the attempt. The only thing I wanted to do was be by his side and comfort him, let him know that I would readily understand if he would just allow himself to be free, if he would indulge in being his true self for once. I knew that that was what kept us apart. I wasn't a fool; when someone looks at you with so much love in their eyes, as he did, it never goes unnoticed. So, the love was there and that could not be doubted. 

However, the truth was elsewhere, somewhere within the thousands of scars that covered his body and his soul. He could never heal, because he could never ever fathom giving in to that possibility. For him, healing was not an option; he had to carry his burden to the bitter end.  

I sat down next to him as he diligently worked on his infamous "laundry" and sighed loudly. He instantly looked up with questioning eyes and demanded to know if I was well. Of course, I was well. I was always well, wasn't I? I gave him a reassuring nod and commented on something about training wearing me out. He gave me one more knowing glance before contentedly resuming his chore. I smiled slightly. When was he going to realize that no matter how much laundry he did, no matter how many times he soaked his hands within the water and soap of the basin, he would never be clean of the blood, of the guilt. Getting rid of the pain was not something that a simple physical act involving antibacterial substances could fix. No, this required a whole mental process and obviously, a lifetime. A lifetime that she was willing to share with him if he would just let go of his mask and learn to embrace his true self. Kenshin Himura wasn't Battousai, he wasn't the ruruoni either. For God's sake, couldn't anyone see that he was just a man?! He was just a man trying to do the right thing, trying to atone for his sins, but being imperfect was okay, even on his quest to heal everyone else's scars but his own for that's what being a mere man implied; not being perfect, but just  being. And I, I would gladly just be with him, if only he were to notice that I don't mind, that he needn't keep on wearing fake smiles taut across his lips. I would be more than glad to accept him, just as he was. 

Sometimes, I regretted telling him that I did not care about the past, for it seems he might have misinterpreted me. What I meant to say back then, was that I would gladly bear the burden of the lives he took long ago with him, for that did not matter to me, nor should it have any relevance in the life we might choose to lead. Killing people was wrong. Yes, I was aware of that, considering I adhered myself to the principle of the Sword of Life, the foundations of my very own being. But, I was also aware that this man seated next to me deeply regretted having ever taken someone's life and he deserved a second chance for his repentance, for his ten years of solitude, of frustration, of mental agony. I , I was willing to offer that second chance but he didn't have to pretend that all of those things had never happened, nor did he have to live in the shadows of those events for the rest of his life. All he had to do for that second chance to be in his hands was realize that I was standing right there waiting and willing to hold him whenever necessary. I would be strong for him if need be. I would shed tears for him if it was called for. I would die for him if it came to that. All he had to do was come to me just as he was. All he had to do was abandon that sense of fear that had reigned his existence from the moment he stopped being hitokiri. I wanted to touch him, to reach him, to soothe his inner demons, but I didn't know how… Sighing loudly, I stood up and walked towards the interior of our humble abode. I was about to ask him to run a bath for me when he startled me by saying:

"You needn't worry about me Kaoru-dono."

"Someone has to."

"Perhaps, but I did promise that I would not worry you again, and it is all I ever seem to do nowadays, I am afraid, that I am."

"Well, stop being 'afraid' about anything Kenshin. If I choose to worry about you then it is my decision and that should not make you, in turn, worry about the choices that I weigh upon myself."

"It seems we do an awful lot of worrying, that we do", he said scratching the back of his head whilst displaying a silly smile.

I sighed and headed back into the house. He calmly proceeded with his household duties. I wanted to touch him, to reach him, but I didn't know how…

_Author Note: I would like to give very many special thanx to fellow author Venus Smurf, who happens to be my very first reviewer. I fixed this the best I could, but any tips      you have on improving the posting will be gladly welcome. Again Venus Smurf thank you so much! You made my day!!!_


	2. One of these mornings

STANDARD DISCLAIMERS APPLY: I own absolutely nothing!

_Kaoru's thoughts, yet again._

**Chapter 2: One of these mornings**

When did everything fade or fall away? Sometimes I do ask myself that question. Oftentimes, I remain unaware of the answer. All I know is that it happened, that the situation started to slip through my fingers and that there was not a thing I could do about it. I loved him. He knew this. He loved me, of that I was certain. Then why did things keep going horribly wrong? 

I guess that the routinely fake smiles we both gifted each other with, did have something to do with the negative spiral that we were sinking into. I just needed him to be real, to be true to himself, and he needed me to be my usual self again. The problem with Kenshin, (yet another problem), was that he was just too damn perceptive for his own good. He never dared utter whatever crossed his mind, but the "Kauro-dono, are you alright?" catch-phrases, suddenly became a trend around the dojo.

 He was concerned for me, yet again. And I was edgy and ready to whack him over the head with a bokken as usual, except… well, I just didn't have the strength in me anymore. I mean what good can come from several concussions if no sense is knocked into the person's thick head in the process of acquiring them?

The sun's rays filtered through the room's window and bathed my recently awakened form on the futon with blinding light.

Okay, so maybe I was overreacting, maybe things hadn't quite faded or fallen apart yet, but what I was certain of was that it wouldn't be too long before the walls of my sanity began crumbling down. Again, maybe that too was an overreaction due to my melodramatic nature… yes, I guess we all have a little Misao in all of us. Still, all drama queen poses aside, I knew that this situation was getting out of hand. I needed him to start trusting me. Of course, if he didn't open up and pour his heart out to me anytime soon, that did not mean that I would stop loving him. I would always love him; there was no doubt in my heart about it. My soul belonged to him, my very essence thinly spread against every one of his occasional and very rare, true smiles.

 Love would not be put in question no matter what he chose to do or say. If my love for him would falter so easily, then obviously it wouldn't have been love, but mere passion and I was fully conscious that those unsettling butterflies in my stomach and my racy heart were physical and chemical reactions and mere consequences of that sensation, of that love spreading all around me and covering me like a warm blanket.

 Yes, that was one thing that Kenshin's presence did manage to do to me. It seemed that his sole aura could encompass every corner of the room, fill every fiber of my being and make me feel wholesomely safe. That was somewhat funny, considering how he always presumed that his sole presence was the one weaving me into the most perilous of situations. Yet, he always managed to save me every time. He saved me from the brute who stained my family name, from that savage who had tormented my poor Kenshin up to the point of making his eyes glow amber again, from loneliness and routine and finally, from myself.

  But, I digress… I could spend all of my days going on about the love and devotion that I felt for Kenshin but what I needed right now was not a mental confession of my undying love, but rather a solution to this endless waltz that was wreaking havoc in both our lives. We kept dancing around each other, never going straight for the root of the problem, never having a decent, polite discussion over matters that concerned our non-relationship. Of course, I did have to admit to myself that I tended to get carried away and that "calm, relaxed and reasonable" ways of approaching the matter, were somewhat unlike the method in my madness. I knew that if I didn't let my fiery temper get the better of me, I was most likely to burst into tears and have the words lodge in my throat and, as a result, worry Kenshin.

I sighed. I wanted Kenshin. I wanted a life with him. I wanted to be able to sit beside him in silence without feeling uncomfortable. I needed us both to learn to trust each other with our lives; past, present and future. That's all I wanted; was it too much to ask for?! I chuckled slightly. Undoubtedly too much. I already had enough to satisfy anyone. I had a new family, however annoying some of its members might prove at times, I had the dojo up and running again, slowly but steadily working its way back into what it once was, I had the company of a brave, kind man who swore to protect me under my own roof; I had the essentials and then some.

 Still… could anyone blame me for wanting more? Could anyone dare scold me for being human as human can be and, therefore, assuming my life's discrepancies as quite the non conformist individual?  All I wanted was more than I could have but I didn't care. I wanted him, I longed for him and most importantly, I needed him to know that I had finally understood, that I had finally seen the light regarding whom he was and that I wasn't afraid. I wasn't a little girl anymore and I was up and ready for the challenge. I knew it wouldn't be easy, but with his consent and for his life, I would go miles without ever turning to so much as glance behind my shoulder. 

I rolled over on the futon and let the sun's warm, merciful light soak my bones. Yahiko would soon enough be busting into my room, demanding a lesson. Today, he would get a thousand swings just for that, just for being his bratty self, just to become the strong swordsman that he aspired to become, just to be the dignified and skilled swordsman that I had always known he could be. 


	3. There once was a very dense swordsman

STANDARD DISCLAIMERS APPLY: I own squat!

**Chapter 3: There once was a very Dense Swordsman…**

Out of the corner of his eye Kenshin took a glimpse of Kaoru. She was sweaty and drained from practice. She passed him by without even acknowledging him, without even requesting a bath. She simply slipped back into her room, most probably. Abated, he sighed. Could someone please explain to him what was going on?  Kaoru had been acting this way for days now and it was driving him crazy! Not that he would ever let her know about it; the last thing he wanted was to further add to her problems by pushing her but, somehow, he got the feeling that HE was part of the problem… Of course, he could be wrong.

Then again, she seemed to only be avoiding him. Why would she be avoiding him? What had he done this time?! And why hadn't a good bonking over the head resolved things between them?

Kenshin sighed yet again. He was doing that a lot lately, the sighing thing. He couldn't help it though. He hated feeling her so distant. He hated being confronted with problems that he could not solve, situations he couldn't fix. Being a swordsman was just so much easier than dealing with a temperamental woman like Kaoru. One swift strike and all was settled. The fight was over with a victor and an opponent now faced with a chance to reform. Well, that is if you didn't take evil maniacs hell-bent on taking over the world like Shishio Makoto, into account. Regrettably, that type of man would never let go of the demons inside of him, in fact he had just willingly given them free reign.

Putting disturbing thoughts of Shishio aside, Kenshin focused anew on the problem at hand. He just couldn't figure out what he had done to irk Kaoru. She didn't even seem angry. She didn't even seem like anything, actually. Her face now wore a perpetual blank expression and she always appeared to be deep in thought. He really couldn't figure things out.

Life at the dojo was as it had always been; their routine had not been modified in the slightest of ways, their conversations were pretty much the same… so where was the problem? Where was the false move, the wrong word spoken? What was he missing? What cruel joke had destiny decided to play on him again, and why did he get the feeling that his name was comfortably eased into the punch line?

Kenshin groaned. He really didn't like any of this at all; he was much more comfortable when his Kaoru-dono was on good terms with him, or at least, if she were in one of her darker angry moods, then her bokken would offer the best escape outlet for the pent-up tension and she would be back to being her sweet self again swiftly. 

This was what was amiss. Kaoru-dono's temper tantrums were… gone. Kenshin suddenly began to feel very nervous. Yes, she still bickered with Yahiko and wore the poor boy down at practice, but… it just wasn't the same. She appeared to be really out of it lately and even her fights with Yahiko were half-hearted. Something was definitely wrong with her, he was sure of it now. He scowled. He needed to talk with her, figure out what was out of tune and place and make it all better again. However…

Maintaining a conversation with Kaoru, a real, emotional one, was hard for him. He feared he would reveal too much and have her abandon him. He knew that that was foolish though, that he was only making up excuses to cover up his lack of courage. That thought slightly amused him. The feared hitokiri Battousai was deficient in the courage department when it came down to… women. He was brave and defiant in the face of death but a complete wimp when it came down to, well, the things that really mattered, the things like life, love – in short, Kaoru, for she was all that mattered to him. She was his love, his life, his everything. If only she knew… 

Kenshin shook his head. Of course she knew; she had to know, right? Granted his open displays of affection weren't that common, but if almost turning into the demon you once were to save a person's life wasn't a clear sign of fondness, to say the least, then he didn't know what it was. True, a simple hug could also go miles, no need to revert into cold blooded assassins of old to reveal one's feelings but, didn't saving a person's life once in a while and continuously vowing to protect them count for something? Then again, he had proved to be somewhat incompetent when it came down to keeping his promise by letting her get kidnapped, and he had broken heart abandoning her for Kyoto and his wandering ways. Still… he was certain, she knew.

Almost certain. Fairly confident. Slightly sure. Wavering… Damn! Come to think about it, she practically had to be a mind reader to understand his feelings toward her, especially after the ring incident.

Another groan escaped him. Now that had been embarrassing and simply screwed up. Poor Kaoru, thinking that he was finally doing what he should have done a long time ago! Poor him, being tricked into giving her the ring without fully knowing what it was meant to represent. Maybe he should get her a new ring, and this time he could place it on her finger gladly accepting the implications of that act.

Silly rurouni! What was he thinking?! Being a husband for Kaoru wouldn't do…But he loved her and he wanted her to be his, all his. Suddenly, his possessive side began taking over. Sure, he felt unworthy, but that didn't mean that another man could have her. That would tear him apart, not to mention what fate could befall the poor man who approached her if he got on a jealous rampage. Hmm… there were many sword-related ways of getting rid of a man that dared try anything with his Kaoru. In fact, now that he gave it proper thought, there was no need to worry about another man at all: a pair of glowering amber eyes would be enough to send the unlucky soul that dared cross his path to happiness packing. His path to happiness… yes, holding tightly onto Kaoru's hand he would surely reach that final destination, and it thrilled him to think of what could be, what could come out of all of this if he finally got what he truly wanted.

But he wasn't ready.   To have her, he would have to let her know everything, reveal all he had done, expose her to such horrible things, memories that still haunted him. 

Kenshin looked down at the basin filled to the rim with water. As soon as he dipped his hands into the tub and began scrubbing a clothes item, the water turned to blood right before his eyes. He wasn't ready, ready to let her see who he really was and all the dreadful crimes he had committed. He was not open to the idea of sharing his own personal little hell with her and he knew that if he somehow mustered up the guts to speak his mind to her, she would want to know everything. She thought she could take it, handle everything he would have to say, but that was precisely what was so beautiful about her; her naïve expectations regarding life, regarding him. 

Kenshin was drawn out of his thoughts by a light feather touch on one of his hands. He inspected the trembling fingers, gently stroking his hand and instantly looked up. Kaoru's watery eyes stared back at him.

"Kaoru-Dono…"

"Please stop." She interrupted.

"Stop?" he questioned, staring at the hand that now struggled to separate his own from the clothing article floating in the basin.

"It won't go away. Not like this."

Kenshin carefully inspected the fabric gripped tightly by his calloused hand and realized all too soon, what she meant.

"Don't worry Kaoru-dono, sessha will get that stain right out! Please don't cry! Sessha does not know why this garment is so dear to you that you would cry for it, but sessha promises that it will be stainless once sessha is finished here." He said giving her a wide comforting grin.

To his surprise, Kaoru began to twitch her eyebrows and her eyes practically fell out of her sockets. 

Huffing and muttering underneath her breath she stormed back into the dojo, leaving Kenshin to wonder about the only words that he managed to make out from her little spout.

_"Strongest swordsman in all of __Japan__…Densest man in the entire world…"_

What was that supposed to mean?! What had he done now?! Oh well, no matter. She was pulling mood swings again and soon she would have her prized garment stainless and impeccable, at least if he had any say in the matter. 

Now, out damn spot!

_Reviewer responses:_

**To Venus Smurf: **Thank you so much for all your wonderful words!!! You made me blush quite a lot by praising me so much. I'm really happy about your   enthusiasm regarding this story, my first attempt at fanfiction of any kind. Your words are true inspiration and I will do my best to try and keep you hooked. As for long reviews… I'll take 'em with a huge grin on my face and avidly read them!!! So, if you please, keep 'em comin' and I'll try to keep posting new chapters for you.

**To Misato-Katsuragi: **Hi! Thanks a lot for reviewing! It made me really happy to see that you like the story! Don't worry, the story isn't over yet. I don't know how many chapters long it might be since I'm pretty much making it up as I go along, but it's definitely not over as of yet; I still have to get those two thick headed lovebirds chirping together. Please keep on reading and reviewing as I would love to hear what else you make of this.

**To mvdiva: **I know; why can't they breach that gap? That's what I'll be working on. On bringing those two together and shoving their stubbornness aside, bit by bit. Thank you for taking the time to read this. Keep reviewing because reviews keep me happy and inspired.

Again, thanks so much you guys and… it's off to the next chapter (writing it, that is).


	4. The subconscious life of Himura Kenshin

STANDARD DISCLAIMERS APPLY: I possess nothing… no material possessions for Iram = (

**Quick little message from author: First off, thank you so much for reviewing (review responses at bottom of the page). Second, this chapter is somewhat of an experimental thing since it involves a quick dip into our favorite rurouni's little dreamland. Therefore, please bear with me. This chapter is based on a dream I had a couple of days ago (my dreams are always pretty odd) and can be somewhat confusing. Anyways, I hope this is to your liking because I worked really hard on it and kept in mind all of your words of encouragement throughout the writing process. Thanks again and enjoy! Ooooh, I almost forgot! There's an OOC warning in this for certain characters. See, the fact that everything happens in a dream tends to make some of them act quite unlike themselves. Well, read away!**

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**Chapter 4: _"Sano: Rice Ball poppin', Sake Swiggin', Fight pickin' AND Dr. Ruth, Kind o' Guy?"_**

**The subconscious Life of Himura Kenshin.******

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Nighttime. A murky, dark street covered in a thick blanket of snow. A small redheaded boy and a raven haired gracious, slightly chubby, little girl are busy building a snowman. Jack Frost can barely be seen in the pitch black night, much less the snow required to put it together but still, the two young kiddies keep at it, sticking a radish in somewhere that they presumed the nose could go. 

All of a sudden the jet-black ponytail holding the girl's hair up swished to the side as a light coming from the corner of the street caught her eye. Big amethyst coloured eyes followed her stare and uncovered a carriage right at the street corner, with a shadowy figure smoking a cigarette inside, barely visible, except for the smoke protruding from the interior of the illuminated vehicle.

"Who's in that carriage?" asked the small girl, fright revealed through the trembling tones of her once melodious voice.

"Don't worry. Hold my hand; I'll protect you." The steady, soothing voice of the young boy answered, as he softly grabbed hold of her hand and led her, through the snow-filled yard, back into the warmth of their home.

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Kenshin walked around the streets of Tokyo with a group of people that he did not know. However, these people spoke to him so amicably that he felt compelled to look less confused and act friendlier towards them. He followed them around without particularly knowing where he was heading. It didn't feel wrong though, to follow these people. In a way, it felt as if they were leading him to something, towards some sort of purpose, some destiny greater than himself. He chuckled; what an absurd notion! He shook his head in an attempt to discredit his previous thoughts but the sensation was still there; the feeling of belonging here, walking along through this unknown part of town with these strangers and still feeling as if this was all supposed to happen and be just as it was, would not leave him.

Suddenly, the biggest flock of birds that he had ever seen invaded the pale blue summer skies. Both he and his companions trudged in awe to the middle of the empty road, gazing at the blackbirds in awe as they filled the sky in such a way that, all too soon, the once blue heavens above them were completely colorless.

In a matter of seconds, Kenshin began getting lashed by horrible images, images that took shape before his eyes. 

He could make out destruction all around him, the destruction he had been responsible for, the screams of terror that had escaped some of his victims ringing in his ears. He felt extremely warm and realized that he was walking through fires. The town was on fire and the bloodcurdling screams of the people being burnt alive would not die down. He saw a naked child run in his direction and just as he was about to reach Kenshin, stumble to the ashen ground. Kenshin bent down to pick him up when he heard a voice speak quietly to him: 

_"It does not matter if destruction is now or tomorrow for either way, the total destruction of this world is inevitable. Destruction, death and decay; they cannot be stopped. Time is of no relevance in this place. We give it so much importance but in the end, we all die, most without having fully lived. Destruction today or destruction tomorrow. Either way, it cannot be helped; the world shall one day perish and fade away in the chaos and confusion of fires, in the destruction caused by man. Nothing is forever. Forever holds no importance for it is just time. Time is of no meaning here. Time is continuous destruction."_

Kenshin turned around sharply only to find himself faced by a foamy tidal wave, ready to hit him full force. Kenshin braced himself for the inevitable impact as he got sucked into the depths of the furious ocean. He was unafraid of this majestic force of nature: he had faced death before. He could do it again and come out alive. It wouldn't be the first time. Kenshin struggled to pull himself up towards the surface. As soon as his head made it above water another wave hit him head on and pushed him deeper into the sea. He lifted his arms up and pushed upwards but inside him, some part of him did not wish to resist the undertow. Below water he was safe and calm. He felt like just letting go and allowing the wave and the sea to take him; such was the peaceful state that he was in. But always, always, a strong feeling within him, an urging, and an instinct had him fighting for his life, for control. Frantically, waving limbs, arms and legs, he resurfaced.

At once, he was back in the middle of the forsaken road as dry as could be with a frail, trembling body in his arms. He looked down to meet a girl with long braided hair and big green eyes. Right then, by the look of sheer terror in her eyes, he knew that she had witnessed the same visions as him. 

A neighing sound right behind him made him spin around on his heels, the girl still in the protection of his embrace. Horses, an entire stampede of them, were heading straight their way. Without using his god-like speed, which he would have called upon on any other given day, he cleared them off the open road and drove them into a field of flowers. Oddly enough, the horses clawed their hooves into the dirty ground to avoid a full-force collision with the two humans as they slowly made their way to the multi-colored fields at the side of the road. 

Kenshin held her close, telling her not to worry, that she was safe and led her back to a small cabin where the strange crowd that he had been hanging out with, right before he started hallucinating in broad daylight, welcomed them with open arms. Instantly, the girl seemed to perk up and she started going on about how wonderful Kenshin was, and how he hadn't been afraid of the giant horses and what a brave and righteous man he was indeed. Kenshin blushed slightly and chose to brush off her comments of praise. In the back of his mind he knew that the deed he had performed at the crossing with the steeds was not at all close to a true act of courage and boldness. To be courageous one must first fear the adversity, and then rise to the occasion. When he had become aware of the presence of the wild stallions, he had been as calm and cool as he had been beneath the giant wave. He had not faced his fears to save the girl; he had been entirely unafraid and blissfully conscious of the fact that it was impossible for them to die right then and there.

Out of nowhere, Kenshin found himself at the market with Kaoru and Hiko. 

Hiko claimed he wanted to buy some cologne. Kaoru was busy going about every single stall demanding a ribbon with sakura petals embroidered on it. Yahiko popped up from behind Kenshin and demanded that he be taught the secret technique of the Hiten-Mitsurugi style with an evil grin on his face. Hiko took a bokken from Kaoru's grasp and slapped the spiky haired boy silly with it, calling him baka repeatedly. A vein began to pop on Kaoru's forehead and she began chasing both Yahiko and Hiko around, shinai in hand and a determined stare glaring daggers at them. Kenshin sweat dropped and ran off to hide himself at a far off stand, wishing to be as distant from the commotion as possible.

At this stall, he was faced with a small bottle of men's cologne, a jug of sake and soap. Kenshin was not sure which of these three things would please his sensei more. He scowled as he realized that he was considering giving the self-conceited, overly arrogant man a gift. When was the last time that his master had given him a gift anyway? Now that he brought up the subject, he realized that Hiko had not even graced him with a birthday just so that there would be something for him to celebrate every year. Sighing at his lack of will-power, Kenshin picked up the jug of sake, paid the required amount and headed back towards the cloud of smoke that Kaoru, Yahiko and the arrogant bastard that was his master had managed to create with their constant bashing of each other.

Kenshin was about to pull them apart and break off the fight before they actually managed to kill one another when a gathering crowd to his right caught his attention. He made his way through the cluster of people only to look upon a sight that made his eyes grow wide in both shock and amusement.

There, standing on a soapbox, juggling rice balls before avidly popping them into his mouth and swigging jug after jug of sake was Sano. He talked with his mouth full, spouting proud speeches of the Seikihoutai and Captain Sagara, drinking to their health every… 1…2…3….4…5 seconds, Kenshin counted off on his fingers. Suddenly, Sanosuke lifted his hands in the air and screamed like an enraged wild animal. Before Kenshin knew what was happening, Sano jumped him and knocked him over as the crowd cheered their encouragement and clapped politely.

"Do you wanna mess with me?! Do you?! 'Cause you got a fight comin' if that's what you're askin' for!" Sanosuke spat at Kenshin. 

Kenshin waved his hands before him innocently.

"Sessha wishes for no such thing Sano. All sessha wishes, is for you to get off him and stop publicly humiliating him, that sessha does." 

"You don't want a fight?" asked Sanosuke, eyeing him carefully before standing up and practically keeling over, the alcohol beginning to take its due toll on the tall man. 

"No Sano, sessha came here for the entertainment, in a way…" said Kenshin, unsure of the actual reasons he had decided to let himself be guided here by a crowd's interest.

"So you're here just for the entertainment? Fine, have a rice ball then. Have some sake. Cut some people open. Time is of no importance here. Keep telling yourself that you never wanted to pick a fight. Keep telling yourself she will wait forever. Either way, time is of no relevance here. So you're here only for the entertainment; there are no other powerful reasons for you visiting this place? For you stepping into my preaching area, my sacred soapbox? Here life knows no limits. All lives, all dies; it's the way of life and you can't stop it.

 Destruction and decadence through time; you cannot stop it. A sword piercing a woman's heart; you could not stop it. Was it just for the entertainment that you were there way back when? Time binds us all together, but time weaves us apart. The time it takes to prepare a rice ball. Such a precious amount of time to prepare the perfect rice ball and in one swift motion, I gulped it down. The long wait for the rice to ferment and delicious sake to reach my lips; a few sips and all those years are gone. One cannot wait forever or the rice shall spoil. Forever is not an eternity it is never, always never. An eternity together is always an eternity apart. Promise today, never tomorrow.

 But, if you don't promise tomorrow, what are you living for? What is she living for? Time is of no substance, but it rules our lives so what are you going to do Kenshin? What will you do with the time that passes you by? The time it takes for you to snap and become a demon again, is that what you are standing in line waiting for, or the time to find home? Home is where the heart is; so where the hell is your heart?! Is it frozen in time?! Is it dancing in her shimmering eyes?! Time is of no relevance but you have to wake up and start living or life will pass you by!!! Time is not an option, we suffer through it. 

 We choose to live, therefore we choose to cry and suffer, but also smile and forget. Time is an incredible burden: time to count off those you killed, time to remember their contorted faces and silent screams, time to remember a lover's last words, time to dwell upon betrayal. But time, time is also an incredible gift: time to forget the past, time to put a whole world behind you, time to believe again, time to find a smile you didn't know was buried in you, time to live again. To be alive! In time, before time, beyond time!!! Time, time, time!!! Time for lunch, time for dinner!!! So precious and so petty is time… balance time! Time is a world she gave you, but time, remember what I said about time, time makes people suffer. Those who suffer learn to smile, but those who smile come to suffer, all in due time…"

"Sano…" was all Kenshin managed to utter.

 He was in awe of Sanosuke's wise words and how they had stuck such a fine chord inside his heart. Meanwhile, Sanosuke walked back to the soapbox, stood up on it again and began his previous speech which included rice ball popping and sake swigging:

"Captain Sagara was a noble man indeed! Such noble deeds call for a toast, a toast calls for a drink… bottoms up!" he said, chugging down some sake.

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Kenshin was inside the Akabeko, sitting at a booth with all his close friends surrounding him. Before them was a mouth-watering feast featuring all of his favorite dishes: chawanmushi, datemaki, kurikinton, okara*, miso soup and loads more. Kenshin smiled in delight and began piling food on his plate, only coming to realize that every time he reached for something, the recipient containing it had only scraps left. With a sigh and a silent grumble over Sanosuke and Yahiko's food fetish, he stood up from the table and abandoned the restaurant. 

Outside, in the broad daylight he found Kaoru yelling strange things at the by passers. Kenshin tried talking with her, but she paid no heed to him, instead focusing on belching out strange figures at 2 young women that ran by. 

Giving up and realizing that he would be unable to catch her attention, Kenshin decided to follow the two young women instead, and quickly picked up on their conversation:

"Did you hear those prices?" said the one wearing a lovely green kimono.

"Quite frankly, it's daunting how someone would think their products were worth that much!" huffed the one wearing her hair up in a bun.

"I know!!! That okonomi-yaki* looked funny, what with the weird shapes and burnt edges and all!"

"To think that that raccoon girl would actually expect to sell anything; what a joke!"

"Hey, that's MY raccoon girl you're going on about! Sure, her cooking might not be that great, but still…" Kenshin cut in.

"So what are you going to do Battousai? Slay us for qualifying the girl's cooking as toxic?!" asked the green-clad one angrily.

"Yes, what are you going to do about her?! To tell or not to tell? To endanger or to protect? That is the question!" replied the one with the bun, tugging at it, letting her long ebony hair cascade loosely round her shoulders. 

Kenshin found himself staring at the depths of Kaoru's teary blue eyes.

 "Yes, what are you going to do Kenshin?! To leave or to stay, to live or to waste away; that, is the question. That is your choice." She whispered.

Kenshin reached out to her, tempted to wipe the tears away, when he lost sight of her and instead found himself all alone, in the middle of a clearing.

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"Kenshin?!" Kaoru's voice rang out.

"Hai koishii?" he asked, turning to the place where the sound was coming from; right by his side.

"You were telling me about your dream, baka! You said, we would almost be there soon, and then you spaced out on me!" she said pouting.

Kenshin noticed that her fingers were intertwined with his own and blushed a bit. This was a slightly embarrassing but, nonetheless, he would have it no other way.

"Well, in my dream, you see, the image of what I wanted was always present." He explained to her.

"And what was it that you wanted?"

"I'm not exactly sure… It seems so distant now…"

"Of course it seems distant silly! Dreams always do!" 

"Speaking of distant, will we be getting there soon?"

"Well, I don't know; it all depends on you, doesn't it?"

"What do you mean?"

"You chose the road and the destination; you're the only one that knows how far we are or where we are going! As for me, I hope we get there soon because my feet hurt a lot!" she said exasperatedly.

Kenshin groaned inwardly. He could no longer remember where it was exactly that they were heading. He did not recall being the one leading the way. He had been too busy following his beloved Kaoru around to notice the road. Now, they had no map and he had most probably managed to get them lost. To make matters worse, he couldn't possibly tell Kaoru that he had no clue as to where they were going; she would become upset and he hated making her angry or worried, or anything involving a probable outburst of emotions from her. Silently they glided through a field of wild flowers. Kenshin frowned; this place seemed familiar somehow… He gripped tightly onto her hand and she turned to smile at him sympathetically.

"Koishii, please do not be afraid of what you see here." He heard himself say as he glared down at the floor which was promptly turning into clouds, leaving them both walking on air, literally.

"I won't be afraid. Here time is of no relevance, of no substance." She said, letting go of his hand and disappearing into a light mist. 

Kenshin ran after her but was unable to see anything, the fog clouding his sight. He sharpened his remaining senses and heard a distant roar.  He turned to his left and found himself face to face with the giant wave of long ago; it seemed so much more sinister and threatening now. As the wave fell over him, he became paralyzed. The thrust of the water crashed down hard against his chest, but he felt no pain.  Once he was submerged underwater, he went still, feeling the soft lulling rhythm of the sea coarse all around him. He tried to fight it a bit, this feeling of contentment that was slowly washing over him but, down here, he felt too pure, too fresh and too peaceful to bother with such a crazy notion as resistance. How could anyone want to resist this feeling?

Then, it hit him: the image of a little boy tugging at a little girl's hand, pulling her away from the snowy street, from the dark man in the carriage. Kenshin shook his head. How could he have been so stupid? He had inverted the roles!!! The little boy was the one that had been afraid and the one to drag him away from all fearsome aspects of that grim night was a small girl that almost tripped over the hem of her kimono as she rushed them both out of the street!

"What is it that you want?" asked the low voice of Kenshin's sensei.

"What I want?" asked Kenshin in disbelief.

"What do you want?! What do you need?! Baka-deshi! You never know, do you? You never know what you want!"

"I know what I want!" Kenshin yelled angrily, tired of Hiko's usual antics.

"Oh, do you?! Good! What is it that you want then? Since you know I am sure you can provide an answer" he uttered sarcastically.

"I want to protect people!"

"Again with the 'protecting the helpless/my dutiful atonement speech'! You still haven't answered my question you idiot; what do you really want?"

"I want to stop the needless suffering!!!"

"Whose suffering?! The suffering of the oppressed? The suffering inside your heart or the suffering in her tears? Perhaps both?"

"I want… I want…"

"You can't choose can you? You have never known what you want. You will never know what you want! Tell me what you want! Tell me why you are here! Tell me why you won't put up a fight! Tell me who you will fight for! Tell me who you will keep safe!!! Tell me what you want, boy!"

"I want… I want… I want her…"

That's when he realized it; he couldn't let the wave take him, let himself become one with this myriad of mixed emotions. He couldn't let the wave keep pushing him down, making him sink deeper and lower for maybe, maybe this was what death felt like. Maybe death felt like a nice dream. If so, he had to wake up, he couldn't die because… because he still had it in him to live damnit! He struggled to resurface, but he had sunk so low, so deep into this personal hell… 

No matter; he lifted his arms and pushed forward and kept trying. He still had to live. He still had to find her. He still had to touch her. He still had to love her. He had to live. All for her. For all he wanted. Only for her…

He reached up and suddenly found himself above sea level staring at a clear turquoise sky. He smiled. He still had it in him to live.

"Kaoru…" he whispered.

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And it was with that name still clinging sweetly to his lips that he awoke from the dream, from the past, ready to live in the real world, the world where Sano, as marvelous a man as he was, was none too wise…  

**Small little index* :**

**_Chawanmush_**_i_: steamed egg custard__

**_Datemak_**_i_: Rolled sweet omelet__

**_Kurikinton_**_: Mashed sweet potato with chestnuts_

**_Okara_**_: Simmered tofu lees. _

**_Okonomi-yaki_****_: __Japanese style pancakes_**

_Reviewer Responses:_

**                   To Jen: Thanx for the review and please, any ideas and suggestions are INDEED welcome!**

**To Hope: **Well, I'm actually hoping that this dream knocked some of the density out of his sweet, albeit complicated, little head. We'll see. Whatever the muse whispers in my ear will be the next chapter you read… 

**To Suns Golden Rays:** Gundam Wing allusions? Really? Well, it is another favorite of mine so I suppose my subconscious could have easily tricked me into mixing some elements of that into this plot.

**To lil ken's grl:** Thank you for your very sweet review. I promise to keep feeding you with the mixture of sweet and sour of this plot with, don't worry, a happy ending! (I'm a sucker for those!)

**To AmbieChan:** I'm glad you likes! Me likes reviews a lot so I'll keep writing and you'll keep reviewing! And they all lived happily ever after… hahaha.

**To cherry ookami:** You know, I always tend to say that I have a not-too-brilliant mind so, that one little word of yours did wonders to get me inspired and up and ready for this fourth chapter. Thanks so much!

**To Venus Smurf:** Wow! I'm on your favorites list?! That is such an honor!!! I am blushing three different shades of red right now! The thing with Kenshin – sigh – our dense little Kenshin… is that he puts everything into question! His love, other people's love for him, his own values, everything is just one giant mess up there in that thick head of his! Frankly, sometimes I wonder how he manages to get up every morning, what with the mental confusion state he always seems to be in. However, have no fear, Iram is here! I step up to the challenge (without beig sure that I am fully qualified) of trying to shake him into… GETTING OVER IT! He's quite the broody one and he should just relax and have more fun. Anyway, I hope you aren't disappointed by this chappie, you are my favorite reader and so I hope this didn't drag your expectations for this story down.

Well people, keep reading and reviewing and I'll see what I can do to coerce my muse into slaving herself for me. Kisses and thanks for your kind words!


	5. A Time to Live

STANDARD DISCLAIMERS APPLY: Me not own RK!

**Quick little message: First off, I would like to apologize to all you lovely readers that encourage me and enlighten me every step of the way for not updating as soon as I normally would. I, however, have a good excuse… my life got in the way. That, and my muse has some devilish tendencies and she absolutely adores playing hide – and - seek with me! Anyway, hope you enjoy this chapter, sorry for the long wait and remember; good things come to those who wait…**

**Chapter 5: A time to Live.**

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It is in our nature to search the past for inspiration, but rarely do people find themselves with a past as cruel, empty and tattered as mine own. Nostalgia, upon recollection of previous experiences, is common but, would I willingly put myself through it all over again? No.

There are faces I will never forget, scents that will never fade and a sense of sympathy, love and honor will always be present in my heart for her, for my sheath during the bloodbath, for Tomoe. 

However, the days when Tomoe owned me, heart and soul, are over; days that were not quite so idyllic to begin with. Magical days, strange days, confusing days, misleading days: days as tumultuous as was our love for one another, as was my heart constricted in turmoil. 

She helped me survive, helped me feel in a time when I could have just lost myself in the darkness and madness of the world. She was a life line and the reason for my continued existence after the Bakumatsu's end.

I shall always be grateful for her help and saddened by the memory of her untimely death. I shall always curse my hands for the path my sword took; the grief and guilt shall never abandon me. But, somehow, those feelings have already been put to rest for the time of surviving is over, and the time for living has only just begun. And in this new cycle of my life she has no part, except maybe the occasional sigh upon the entrance of winter into our lives. 

The thing is, in a way, my body has grown weary of merely surviving; it now longs to live! An outstretched hand one day offered me a new world, a new beginning and I do believe that it is now due time for me to take it, for me to reach out and meet that hand halfway. I do not now if by succumbing to these desires I will be making the wisest of choices, but I do know that I have always wanted that second chance to live and I fear I cannot postpone this decision any longer.

This newfound reason for my existence is far too fragile, too vulnerable and gentle for me to continue stubbornly pulling away. I crave for her smiles, for her laughter, for her melodious voice, and I realize that I am out of my league here, but I need her too much to care.

I cannot keep holding back when I am hurting us both unnecessarily. I am aware that I am still unworthy, that there is still too much blood upon these hands but… I can't bring myself to stop thinking about her! I can't stop coming to the conclusion that she is everything I have ever wanted and yearned for and that I am being a fool by denying us both the happiness that she rightfully deserves. 

Yes, she deserves it; she has already been through enough as it is, whereas I… I doubt that I deserve any of it but, if fate keeps placing it on a silver platter, how can I refuse? I may be strong, centered and driven, but I am just a man. A lonely, somewhat sad imitation of a man, at that. And she, she so carelessly offers me her heart and soul every time she looks into my eyes.

Kaoru… I fell in love with those eyes the first time that mine own gazed upon those pride filled, determined orbs of shimmering crystal and angry crashing seas… how could anyone not fall in love with such sheer purity of spirit? How could anyone not get dragged along into the web of adventure and excitement that her words so carefully weaved as soon as they abandoned her parted lips?

As I rise from my futon on this very night, I feel a giant weight being lifted from my shoulders. I no longer fear loving her, for it is what she craves and what I have for so long desired to give her. I can't let another day drown away having to stare at her from afar and know that I can never make her mine. I have many regrets, many secrets that I do not wish to share with her, that should never reach her innocent ears, but should these things keep putting up a wall between us? What right do I have to be the only obstacle in our way? 

I am tired of walking away, of letting her down, of not saying the words that she so anxiously and patiently awaits from me. Of course, it might only be the dream I just had talking here, but does it really matter where my current state of daring and open-mindedness sprang from? Is it really relevant to our case? Or is it just another futile attempt on my part to betray us both by letting this whim pass us by?

No, I shall not let the opportunity fade away into the scenery; I shall hold onto it for our benefit, for dear life, for my sanity. For, I am nothing without her. If as of now I have no value, when she isn't around I just merely cease to exist. All I need is her. All I want is her and all that currently stops me from sliding that shoji door open is… me.  

There it is again: that fear that pins me down to the floor, which squeezes at my heart and makes me incapable of breathing properly. If I touch her, will I taint her? If I speak up will I dishonor her? Of course not! But- I am so undeserving and she is so beautiful… I have never been able to nurture any type of beauty within myself, I have only been at the ready to destroy and annihilate anything that grows. It is only recently that I have managed to control my skills and turn them into the means to the peaceful exacerbation of existence. It is only since I met her that I finally managed to gather up the courage to fully pursue that change within myself. Only by staying, by declaring myself the unpronounced protector of her life did I truly gain a purpose. Yes, she gave me a purpose, she gave me a reason to keep on struggling, to keep on living. 

It doesn't seem right to look at my benefactor fully in the eye and profess whatever empty, vowed out speech pours out of me. Nothing I can say or do seems like enough. No words or actions could ever convey, justify and express my love and gratitude toward this miraculous woman that pulled me out of the dark corners of the earth and filled me with light. No deeds could I perform that would prove proper or worthy to her needs, to her deserving rights. I am not enough… 

Still, I recall that tidal wave ready to take me down and fill me to the rim with despair and how the only image, remembrance and name that achieved the almost impossible task of making me step out of that dark hole was that of her face, her scent, her love for me… my Kaoru.

Unable to take anymore self pity, self loathing and self doubt I decide that it is indeed time to rise to the occasion. I slide my shoji open, step out into the hallway and stop at her door. I am immobile and enchanted by the even breathing reaching my ears through the thin rice–paper wall. I catch my breath and lift my arm, ready to yank the wooden surface separating me from her in one swift motion if I suddenly falter. 

"Here goes everything…" I mutter to myself as I stare in deep trance at the wall I raised so high and for so long between us.

_Reviewer Responses:_

**                   To Jen: Thank you for continuing to read me, even when everything gets as confusing as in chapter 4.**

**To Mewberries: **You noticed! You noticed the Shakespeare reference in chapter 3! I am delighted!!! You know, you are the only one who happens to have mentioned it! Thank you for your support, I promise to continue trying to see this through.

**To mvdiva:** Thanks for staying tuned. Yes, Kenshin is extremely dense… in fact, in spite of the resolve in this chapter I think his density will still have a major role to play in chapters to come… hihihi… I can't promise anything though, since my muse might just decide to simply go against my ideas and decide on something completely different to what I have in mind for next chappie.

**Polka dot:** Sorry if it seems like I offended Sano because of the whole 'none too wise' deal but, if it's any consolation, I have nothing at all against the guy. In fact, in my opinion he's one of the most beautiful characters of RK. I just think that being wise, is not one of his strong suits. Being loyal, frank, strong and true to himself, sure, but wise? In a way yes, but not Dalai Lama style or anything.

**To AmbieChan: **Man, I am so sorry that the suspense is killing you! Now with this chapter you will, for sure, be ready to choke me to death. Relax, they will be together… in due time. ^_^

**To babydoll 101:** Thanx for the suggestion; duly noted! Yes, I do also believe he should do SOMETHING instead of just letting Kaoru go out of her way to try and get him to notice her all the time. Of course, she already knows that he loves her, she doesn't need Kenshin to do anything to prove his point but, still, I'm sure that she would feel nice and flattered if he put his thoughts into action once in a while.

**To JMK: **Thank you for your kind words. This humble writer appreciates it very much. Comparing this to one of those profound, love that lasts an eternity, sort of novels was pretty much the highlight of my day. I hope this chapter wasn't too bad for you… one does what one can when writer's block gets in the way.

**To cherri ookami:** Awww!!! You're so sweet! And funny too!!! Thank you for the review, you absolutely have to keep reviewing me because well… your cheeriness is infectious and your will to read makes me want to write. Thanks so much! ^_^

See y'all next chapter, everyone!!!


	6. Unable

**STANDARD DICLAIMERS APPLY: RK isn't mine, isn't that obvious by now?**

**Chapter 6: Unable.**

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"…I cannot teach you to be happy! I want to- you aren't ready for this!" Kaoru cried bitterly.

"But Kaoru-dono, if sessha is saying these things it is because sessha is ready!" Kenshin reasoned.

His fists were clenched at his sides. His jaw was set. Things were, by far, not going the way he had planned. Then again, whatever you expect, things always turn out differently.

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Kenshin had finally mustered up all of his courage and had firmly decided to tear down the barriers between himself and the object of his affection. 

Upon entering her room, he had been unsure of what exactly he actually meant to do. Kaoru was sleeping and, he couldn't very well wake her, could he? Coming to terms with the fact that this was far too important to let politeness override his momentum, he shrugged off thoughts of a fuming Kaoru and a swollen head and took a deep breath.

Cautiously, he made his way through the dark room and as silently as inhumanly possible, he knelt beside her futon. Right there, caught in a ray of moonlight sparkling through her window, she was really a sight to behold.

Kenshin sighed. How had he managed to live without her mended to his side for so long? Why had no other man attempted to steal her from beneath his grasp already? Then again, perhaps the fact that everyone in Tokyo seemed to know that she lived underneath the same roof as the infamous hitokiri Battousai was enough of a warding as would be a scarlet letter imprinted on her forehead.

Kenshin let his head fall into his hands. How could he have done this to her? How could he have done this to her life? No matter. He would fix things now. He could fix things. He was ready. He was ready to make it up to her now, although not quite able. Truth be told, he still had a lot to learn, about life and about her. Living up to one's principles wasn't as easy as fighting for them. He knew how to fight all too well; now he needed to learn how to live. But that wasn't really a problem considering that, if anyone could teach him how this "living" thing worked, it was Kaoru. That's the reason he had crossed the threshold and that was the reason he was kneeling beside her.

Gently, uncertainly, he let his fingers thread themselves into her silky hair and brush softly against her rosy cheeks. He shivered. He hadn't realized that her skin would be so… warm and- he didn't have time to finish his thoughts for, suddenly, her eyes were fluttering open. Kenshin found himself smiling, like some sort of Pavlovian reaction to her; seeing her eyes, innocent and kind was instantaneously countered by a full-fledged grin on his part. She was, as always, the stimuli and he was merely consequential.

Kaoru stared upwards in hazy confusion. Was that Kenshin hovering over her? Was he smiling?! She responded with a lazy smile of her own. Undoubtedly, she was still dreaming. If that was the case, then she had better take full advantage of the situation before she awoke. She lifted her arm and pulled with her hand at one of the red bangs that messily framed Kenshin's face. Kenshin laughed gingerly; of all the scenarios he had pictured, this was quite unlike any of the measures he had imagined Kaoru would take when she found him in her room, at night, without her consent.

Kaoru propped herself on her elbows and stared intently at him. He frowned slightly, feeling by far too exposed under her scrutinizing gaze. Slowly, Kaoru drew nearer to Kenshin and- their lips met.

Kenshin was confused, but he had no intentions of pulling away. If this was what she wanted then, who was he to refuse? Kaoru reveled in the sweetness of his lips, in the rollercoaster of emotions at the pit of her stomach at the touch of his calloused hands on her neck, on her face, in the all to real sensation- all to real?! Her eyes widened. This was… real?! Kenshin was… kissing her?!

He felt something change in her attitude, in her boldness and, reluctantly, he separated himself from her, but only inches, only enough to miss her but still be able to feel her warm breath, hot on his skin.

"This… isn't a dream?" she whispered, losing herself in his eyes, in the hands that held her shoulders tightly, in the exhilaration and madness of this perfectly blissful moment. 

Kenshin laughed at her naïve remark, touched by her sincerity.

"No, but it certainly feels like one, doesn't it?" he said, pressing his forehead against hers, swept away in a love-ridden impulse.

"Mmm… better…" she murmured with her eyes closed.

"Better?" he inquired, with something of a self-satisfied smirk gracing his lips. After 10 years of absolutely no "action", another one of his fears was that his "skills" would be kind of rusty but apparently, thus far, he had nothing to worry about.

She nodded assuredly, finally opening her eyes. Kenshin was taken aback by all the love and desire mirrored in those two deep pools of emotion.

"Your eyes…" he trailed off. He was trying, really trying, but he wasn't very good at this. All too soon he felt like a nervous, insecure, clumsy teenager again. It wasn't really his fault that he was sentimentally challenged. He had a hard time dealing with his feelings and, right now, his head was spinning, his palms were sweaty and he was hung up on… love. 

Who wouldn't be caught in a laconic trance–like state if they finally had the girl, such a beautiful girl at that, entangled in sheets and silken strands of ebony, in the utmost definition of disheveled grace, if there was such a thing? For it was true, Kenshin finally had the girl. The boy got the girl…well, almost. Some minor technicalities aside, they were finally where they had always wanted to be. Nothing could ever go awry again; this was just too good to be true, to be spoiled. Suddenly:

"Kenshin, what are you doing in my room?" Kaoru asked, full of intrigue.

"Oh, that… Kaoru-dono please forgive sessha for his imprudence but sessha needed a word with you, you see…" Kenshin stammered and stuttered.

"Word of advice Kenshin: drop the sessha. It doesn't suit you anymore, not that it ever did." 

Kenshin laughed nervously. So this was it; no more unworthiness, no more tormenting self-imposed denial… but he still was unworthy! He had committed too many crimes. He could take that step forward and indulge in her, but he could not erase his past; she needed to know this.

"Kaoru-dono…"

"Kaoru" she corrected, smiling sunshine his way.

"Kaoru…" he sounded out.

"Has a nice ring to it, don't you find?" she said giggling in delight at the swift changes that were FINALLY beginning to take place between her and her beloved.

"Yes, it sounds lovely." He said, caressing her cheek with his thumb.

"Well, I'm glad you think so…" she said, blushing at the intimacy of his actions toward her.

"Kaoru, I need you to understand that… sessha loves you and wants to be with you but-"

"No buts. Buts are rarely placed in the middle of a sentence as bearers of good news. You love me, you want to be with me; that's all I need to know, and all I ever wanted to hear." she breathed out quickly, trapped between the sudden delight of these surfacing emotions and the despair that could come, should the spell be broken. She had awoken to the most wonderful night in her entire existence, possibly the best in all of her prior incarnations and she would be damned if she let Kenshin ruin it by getting his foot caught in his mouth, as was his tendency!

"Kaoru, believe it when sessha says sessha is relieved that sessha managed to do something right. It is no secret that you have longed to hear these words for far too long and that sessha has denied you said happiness, up until now, but sessha still has more things to say-"

"Quit it with the 'sessha' already! You are not beneath me or undeserving of me! You don't have to keep on doing this anymore!" She interrupted his declamation, unsure that she wanted to hear the rest, fearing the outcome of said speech.

"My past is not going to fade away Kaoru! Murder, blood, innocent lives cut short… all of that's real!" he said seriously.

Bad move on the rurouni's part. The thing about happiness… it's never complete. Happiness is a still frame, a moment, a fragment of a sentence, the piece of a puzzle, but never is it a whole. Perfection exists, within the boundaries of imperfection. There is no "perfect bliss", only "eventual bliss." Things can be going right as rain one moment and the next, well, it all goes down hill after you reach the summit of the mountain, doesn't it? One lousy phrase and you're done for. Kenshin had his moment of clarity and, as usual, he blew it! One look at her face and he knew that everything that had happened so far, that the 'I love you' he had finally managed to blurt out without regret or guilt, all of it, meant nothing. Somehow, he had managed to screw up and hurt her, yet again…

"Kenshin, you are no worse than the rest of us." She voiced calmly, trying to steer clear from: pummeling him; option A, bawling her eyes out; option B, kissing him into silence, option C, forcing him to spoon down a 'delicious' banquet prepared by yours truly; option D or, all of the above; option E. 

"You are too kind and have too good a heart to understand-" Kenshin stopped himself short, wincing at the certainty that smoke was coming out of her ears.

"You think I don't understand?! You think I don't get it?! You honestly believe that after all of this time I am still oblivious to your 'I killed too many people to ever be capable of gaining redemption but I still, in martyr-like fashion, strive for it' issues?! Who do you take me for?! A five year old, clueless to the world and its dealings?! I may never have taken a life, unlike you, but that doesn't make me completely ignorant when it comes down to what matters, when it comes down to the people I love!" Kaoru began in irritated tones and ended off her statement in loud sobs.  

Meanwhile, Kenshin mentally kicked himself for, well, being Kenshin! He was sure that, had it been someone else, they would have managed to handle the situation smoothly, leaving angst and drama for posterior, less merry, occasions. He cursed Hiko for not including handling of interpersonal relations and females as a rigorous part of his training.

"Kaoru please, you are not listening to sessha's words! It's not that sessha believes you incapable of comprehending, it is just that sessha is the one incapable of letting his past go!" he said, cupping her face into his hands.

"It's okay for you to learn from it, but you can't live in it anymore! This is now, Kenshin, it's us! This isn't ten years ago in an alley somewhere where swords are clashing together, this is you trying to finally tell me everything you have kept locked inside yourself throughout the years. Right now, it's a happy moment! Right now isn't about bloodshed and tears and memories long gone, it's about you and me and how happy we can be! The problem is that you don't know how to be happy! I cannot teach you to be happy! I want to- you aren't ready for this!" Kaoru cried bitterly.

"But Kaoru-dono, if sessha is saying these things it is because sessha is ready!" Kenshin reasoned. 

His fists were clenched at his sides. His jaw was set.

"Ready for what?! Ready to make me miserable too because you can't come to terms with the fact that you're good, noble and kind, that the past is no more, that you try to atone for your sins and that it actually seems to work in everyone else's eyes but your own?! What is it that you want?!" she screamed, unable to take the suffering that was tearing through her chest.

"I want you!" he yelled back fiercely, hints of amber glowing dangerously in his eyes.

Kaoru gaped at him, glued to her very spot, rendered speechless by his eyes, by his tone… this was the first time since they had ever met that he had raised his voice at her.

"Kenshin…" she managed to choke out. She wanted to say more, but the words were lodged in her throat, her vocal cords 100% unwilling to cooperate with her.

Kenshin eyed Kaoru silently. He was hurt beyond words. He knew he had made mistakes on this night, but he was only trying to reach out, trying to let her in, trying to let her know what they would have to work on together. Instead, reality had come back with a vengeance. How could he have been so foolish? How could he have allowed himself to willingly grasp at the dementia of nothing more than a dream, a nightmare of sorts for now he could hear the wave again and he was sinking deeper and deeper, he was drowning, he was falling into the night and she was nowhere in sight. 

Miserable… After all they had been through, did she think that the only thing he had the ability for was making her miserable? Kenshin shook his head, fighting back tears. Yes, that was the truth, he could delude himself into believing that he could make her happy, but the only thing he could offer whomever chose to remain beside him was misery. His soul was empty and all he had to offer was darkness. She was right: all he had was himself, his sword, some bitter memories and several tons of misery that weighed down his every step. All he was, was a simple-minded fool and all he wanted, he could never have. Hiding his eyes from her beneath his long bangs, Kenshin, wordlessly walked out of the room.

"Kenshin wait!" she cried out desperately.

She had seen it, that flicker of pain in his eyes right before he turned away. She hadn't imagined the hopelessness in his eyes and suddenly, she felt the compelling urgency to run and catch up with him, and the fear settling inside her heart that he might never come back. In spite of herself, however, she drooped her head to her knees and wept for she was paralyzed and unable to run his way. She was unable to meet him half away, to take it all back. She wanted to, God, how she wanted to! But her legs wouldn't carry her and her feet wouldn't budge. She was just trapped there in the misery that he could only ever offer her with but his absence, terribly heart-broken and devastatingly unable. 

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Did you love this chapter? Did you hate it with every fiber of your being? If so, or of not, either way, please review!

_ReviewerResponses__:_

**Mewberries****: Very funny with the flying tomatoes!!! No, Kenshin didn't chicken out but… I bet you hate what happened now even more than the possibility of him chickening out, don't you? I'm very glad that you have decided to keep reviewing!!! Thank you for the support, the humour and cheerfulness that you always send my way, it's truly appreciated. **

**coldxshivers****: HAAAAAAPPYYYYYYY BIRTHDAAAAAAAAYYYYYY!!! (a little belated, I know, but hey, it's the thought that counts, right?) Anyway, this isn't much, but consider this chapter a birthday present for you, even though it didn't end on a particularly happy note. Don't worry about it much, though. Somehow I'll get those two together; where there's a will, there's a way…**

**Yami**** Yue: Weird dreams are great inspiration, but reviews are the truly special touch that makes writer's block slowly vanish off into the night! Thanks for taking the time to read this and actually liking it; it makes me very happy!!! ^_^**

**mvdiva****: Hello again hon'! Glad to see you are still reading and reviewing this fic. I'm glad that you are understanding Kenshin's "inner turmoil" because… I get the feeling that more of it is to come before the rosy "and they all lived happily ever after" conclusion. After all, a guy can't just change overnight; a dream can only take you so far… **

**AmbieChan****: Hmmm… why do I get the feeling that this time you are seriously going to want to drive me into a body bag? Before you start hunting me down with a very deadly sword (gulps), rest assured that Kenshin and his Kaoru-dono will get together and be pretty happy about it. In the meantime keep reading this, keep reviewing, take deep breaths and think happy thoughts…**

**Venus Smurf:** Sure, making green custard pies for the rest of your existence is perfectly normal; it's ONLY when a cat keeps chewing on your hair that it's weird…  For your relief koishii = darling/ beloved. From what I can gather, it's a term that is used when there's plenty of intimacy between the couple, but I'm not Japanese, never lived in Japan, don't speak a word of Japanese, etc, so I'm not the best source to go to for definitions. As for the dream, it was kind of creepy, but I made it darker for writing purposes and also for the sake of the storyline. However, the wave thing is 100% true and instead of horses, I found myself on a highway with cars and trucks; believe me not very pleasant. Sorry for the cliffhanger, sorry for the way this chapter ended but, all will come to be where it is meant to be in its due time my friend. Thank you so much for your wonderful reviews, for your encouragement  and for your praise. I have to say, you are a great part of the fuel of this story so, thanx once again.

Well, I think that's everyone!!! Have a lovely day and until next time!!! Bye ^_^


	7. Walking after you

STANDARD DISCLAIMERS APPLY: Yeah, yeah... I don't own RK, so sue me!!! On second thought… * giggles nervously* don't…

**Quick little message from author: Is it just me or was RK truly a revolution in anime storylines? I mean, ever since RK you cannot come across an anime lacking the cute, skilled, broody type with worthiness issues- not that I'm complaining! Also, this chapter is pretty short compared to others, but I was afraid to blow it after all the prior intensity and emotive content. Hope you all likes! Onward!**

**Chapter 7: Walking after you.**

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Precious. He was so precious. Fragile. No matter what anyone else said or thought, in my eyes he would always be fragile… and lost, and scared, and confused. I wanted his undivided attention. I wanted his heart. In my haste, my desire, I stumbled. He had pronounced the words that I had waited a lifetime to hear but in my precipitation I crash-coursed, over minding the warning signals in my brain, the "hit the brakes" red light clicking on and off, the sirens blaring… and I shattered into a thousand pieces sprayed against the wooden floor of our home. Our home; my home. By the time I managed to lift myself off the ground this might already have turned into just MY home.

I felt weary and queasy. No longer ours… no more him: I would be alone again. Soon, not even his scent would linger in his room. Soon, the musky fragrance of the man I loved would fade away and then there would be one more empty room in the house and in my heart. Once again an empty room. An empty room: just one more unfulfilled dream.

Kaoru, wake up!!! Stand up!!! Are you just going to let him go?!! Will you just lie there feeling sorry for yourself?!! Will you give up without a fight?!! Are you just going to let it happen all over again?!!

My head jerked up at once and my eyes widened in horror, tears overlapping and pooling out, drenching my yukata. My mind went on instant replay. Suddenly fireflies were dancing all around me, taunting me. His arms were covering me, drawing me in, tempting me, satisfying me, releasing me, wounding me, hurting me, mocking me- agony.

_Kenshin… A throaty rasp and his presence had vanished into the night._

I squeezed my eyes shut, willing the images to go away, to stop torturing me. I whimpered and simultaneously, my fists were slamming against the innocent floor. Tears blinded me and pain diminished me. It was happening again; I was letting him slip through my fingers. I was allowing all of this to happen in such an ungraceful manner that, in spite of me, it seemed oddly amusing.

The wall had never been him: it was me! The silent barrier wasn't his guilt; it was my apprehension.  I thought I could take it, but when presented with the truth all I had done was pull back, unwilling to confront and only ready to forget. It was his past- his life. How could I ask him to forget his life? Why did Kenshin have to bring such a touchy subject up at such a time? Why, when it was coming out to be such a memorable moment?!! He was finally acquiescing his love for me, he was at long last confessing- confessing?!!

My body was, all of a sudden, wracked by violent sobs. Confessions… 

All he had wanted to do was confess his love, sins, fears and beliefs. And all I had done was hide behind thick drapes of deceit, shutting him out completely with such actions. I was the obstacle: I was what kept us apart. When had the tables up and turned in a 180º dramatic and uncontrollable spin? Since when was I the one on the run?

On the run… Kenshin would soon leave and I would be too weak to stop him. No. Determination mingled with frustration coursed through my veins and made a mad rush to my head. No! I wasn't weak! Love was supposed to be capable of surviving through anything if strong enough. If so, then love would have to be strong enough to carry my wobbly legs out to him. Love would have to be thick enough to slow him down. 

I was frail and, in a way, so was he but I had to believe- I needed to believe- that at least our love for one another was enough. It would just have to do.

Whispering his name I tried to balance myself on my unsteady feet. Whispering his name my trembling hands slid the shoji open. Whispering his name, my fluttering eyes took in his barren room. Whispering his name I shakily stepped out into the cold night. Whispering his name I ran as fast and as hard as my legs would carry me, with only one intention and known destination. Whispering his name my knees gave way and made contact with the hard, berating ground. Whispering his name, my eyes wandered upwards in despair only to be met by his steady, concerned, amethyst gaze.

"Kenshin…"

"Kaoru, what are you doing out here?" he asked pulling me up against him, helping me back on my feet.

"I… was… I was… walking… I was walking after you." I managed to utter through heavy panting and ragged breaths.

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So… was it that bad? Not so much? Immediate empathy or complete and utter dislike? Whichever your opinion, let me know, click and review! 

_Reviewer Responses:_

**To glimmergirl: **Work incentive review indeed! Yeah, I guess the dream chapter kind of had too much information to hack in one seating. Now imagine actually dreaming something parallel to what I described. * goes swirly-eyed* Actually I was thinking about studying psychology but I let that idea drop back into the gutter and decided to stick with journalism instead. I'm only on my first semester, so let's see how that works out for me. Thank you for the support, for the compliments and… it would make my day if you did keep reviewing as you said you would!!!

**To Silver: **Thanks for the praise and for taking the time to review. Misunderstandings: isn't that the basis of the K/K relationship?

**To Crazy Girl Person:** Your wish is my command!!! Hence, an update! I hope you still like the story after this chapter: I got kind of confused writing it. Too many emotions just took me by surprise ^_^

**To TenkunoMeiou:** As I said to another reviewer: mix-ups and misunderstandings… that's what RK's all about in my humble opinion. That, and Kenshin's broody nature and Kaoru with her almighty bokken… hihihi

**To Rekka's Angel: **Personally, I think love-hate relationships are the most interesting kind!! *wink, wink* However, they are also the most self-destructive, but that comment has nothing to do with your review * looks away sheepishly*. Anyway, I'm glad you enjoyed, I'm sorry I almost drove you to tears: I don't particularly get a kick out of making people gloomy. To give you a reason to smile, Kenshin and his Kaoru-dono will be together soon! Yey! Thanks for your review, hope you continue reading me.

**To mvdiva:** I'm inspiring?!! WOW!!! THANK YOU SO MUCH!!! That's like one of the most beautiful things anyone could possibly say to me. That this story is giving you writing ideas, to me, is simply fantastic! Tell me, what do you plan to make your story about? I would love to hear about those ideas swirling in that brilliant little head of yours ^_^

**To newbee: **Okay newbee, if you feel like writing a fic, then by all means, go ahead! The only condition is that you drop a name so I can look it up as soon as you post! Thank you for appreciating this story and I hope that you actually read this, since it would mean that you read chapter 4, my personal favorite. Your reviews will ALWAYS be helpful!!!  It's what we fanfiction authors thrive for so, don't underestimate yourself!

**To AmbieChan:** Yey!!! AmbieChan doesn't want to skin me alive anymore!!! *runs around doing snoopy happy dance*. Thank you for your continuous encouragement and kind words. Did you like this chapter? I sure hope so anyway. Thank you, once again.

**To A.R. Fredrick: **a.k.a, my most serious reviewer. First off, I am ever so grateful for such a lovely review! The fact that you called this an 'experience'… you have no idea how much that, not only pleases me, as well as thrills me. Sorry for the grammar mistakes, I tend to just spontaneously write what I feel and rarely pay attention to structure. Alas, I fear that is my weakness! Hahaha. As for me, I'll be sure to patiently wait for your next review and will, without a doubt, look for your upcoming fic; I'm sure it will be something akin to a masterpiece, if I am to guide myself by your honest and simple definition of writing. For you, it comes from the heart, and in my humble opinion, that's the place where the most beautiful things on earth spring from. Thanks ever so much and look me up for updates on this fic!

Well, I think that about sums it up! Ladies and gents, we have a wrap! Until next chapter, that is…


	8. Rain on our Parade

STANDARD DISCLAIMERS APPLY: *sigh*... no, I don't own Rurouni Kenshin....

**Quick little message from author: All I have to say is that I am deeply sorry for taking so long to update, but I wanted to get this just right, to give you guys something actually worth reading. I tried my best (or at least what I am fully able to consider my best right now) and I hope it doesn't prove to be a disappointment. Well, without further ado, please proceed to rejoice in CHAPTER 8!!!**

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**Chapter 8: Rain on our parade.**

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_Thump - Thump. I can hear a heartbeat. __Thump-Thump-Thump.__ It quickens, gets louder, seems racy, and seems to have climbed to the roof of my mouth. _

_Thump-Thump-Thump-Thump! It's truly awkward; even through battles I have never heard it pound this loud. _

_Bzz__ Bzz.__ There goes a firefly twirling by: I wish I had the time to contemplate its fading beauty tonight._

_Swish, Swish.__ The rustle of fabric, a rhythmic noise I could pinpoint from many other familiar sounds. __Swish, Swish.She's still moving, still fidgeting, still unsure of the words that will abandon her mouth. _

_Whoosh, Whoosh.__ A gust of wind plays with loose strands of her hair; a wind all too privileged by its undeniable claim and disposal of that silken ebony, moving it which way and that in utmost freedom of action. _

_Blink, Blink.__ My eyes keep closing and opening again, fascinated by her natural beauty, by the salty tears that glisten and glow down the porcelain of her flushed cheeks. _Blink, Blink._Truly unsure on whether they should remain closed or open, on whether these tired eyes of mine should gape in admiration or squint and squeeze shut in despair. _

_Pant, Pant.__ Troubled, ragged breathing abandons her trembling frame: is it only the distress and flurry from her hard run or could it be fear? Fear of me, of my reactions? _

I shake my head. Why in the world would she choose to run after me? "_Because she loves you, you dimwit!" spoke a voice in the back of my head. The truth be damned, I didn't ask her to walk after me; I didn't need her to do anything like that! All I needed was time to be by myself, time to think, time to ponder on how I was going to get over her, time to squish and diminish the truth into a corner of my mind where it wouldn't be making bold statements that minify my already sufficiently low self-esteem._

Breathing in the cold and sterile air, gasping back the sob that suddenly caught in my throat I look down at her to find her staring down at her trembling fists, still unable to utter anything, in some way, I guess, waiting for me to make the next move. I nod my head in assentment; she ran after me, spoke up and now she was expecting some sort of response from me. I gave in to the shaky figure scorched by my penetrating glare:

"I didn't ask you to walk after me." I winced; that sounded too harsh to be me! I couldn't help it though, no one could get to me as easily as her, nobody had the power to hurt me like she did. And she had hurt me, deeply. The truth always hurts…

"You didn't have to ask. If you walk out on me, I walk after you: that's the way it works when you love someone…" she trailed off, still unwilling to meet my eyes.

"It's not that simple" I hear myself say, turning my back to her. It's too hard to say such things with her standing right there, with her every flinch and gasp of pain visible to me. I hate to see her cry, to see her hurt, to see her sad. I hate that it's me who is causing this but… that's all I can do, isn't it? Bring her misery, I mean.

"Loving you has never been simple, but that's not the point." She voices calmly.  It shocks me on some level to hear her speak with such poise after all the trembling and rattling that her body's been doing. 

I only know two reactions from her; the sad teary one and the angry, sometimes violent one. I am aware that there are more sides to her than that, but she rarely shows it; she would much rather hide from me. She always feared I would never love her back, never say the words out loud, never trust her enough with my memories. I know she's, once again, experiencing all of these thoughts and emotions. Sometimes I feel like if I've known her forever and I am sure that 90% of the time I can accurately predict what she's thinking, what she's feeling; I'm not that dense, or so I like to tell myself. In spite of this, Kaoru never ceases to amaze me. 

She draws up strength from some place within herself that I only hope to one day reach, to also find within me. She's stronger than I in many ways. Right now I, the once feared hitokiri Battoussai, can't bring myself to meet her gaze head on whereas she… she, with the calmest demeanor I have ever witnessed from her, bores holes into my back. She's challenging me, scared of loosing me but never does the thought of backing down cross her mind. I know it. I know her. Her determination is something to both be feared and admired. Her determination is just one of her thousands of qualities. It's what makes her special; it's what makes me love her. Unpredictability is part of her character, part of what makes the woman I love so particularly attractive. 

"Kaoru-dono, sessha meant what sessha said inside; it's not all just going to disappear, to vanish into thin air. You meant what you said in there and you are right… sessha doesn't know how to be happy. Sessha didn't need to know how to do that before; all sessha needed was to secure and guarantee everyone else's happiness. That was enough, just what was necessary for sessha to survive. What you deserve, sessha cannot offer you."

I wanted to be angry, I really did; I had every right to: she hurt me. But how can one stay upset at pure honesty and sympathy? All I could do was resign myself to bow my head and speak my heart, as bound and devoid of choices as was her hair against eventual harsh and cold gusts of wind.

I hear the squeaking of her bare feet against the ground, advancing toward me in one small, hesitant step.

"Can you offer me what I want?" she whispers tentatively into the night.

I closed my eyes and sighed. The temptation is always so hard to resist. The wind whip lashing against my face breaks me free of my reverie and forces me to focus on the now, on her voice, on her question that, unbeknownst to her, makes me come undone. A raindrop plops heavily on my crimson tinted hair. I look up into the night sky and realize that a storm is brewing. Can I give her what she wants without betraying her? What she wants, if she does finally get it is, I'm sure, not what she bargained for. I'm a broken man: she thinks me whole but I'm destroyed beyond repair. We are short of a miracle here tonight. 

_Splat, splat.__ Raindrop after raindrop comes crashing down against the grass. I want to believe… I want to believe… I need her, but can I put her through the misery of having me? __Splat, splat, splat._

"Kaoru-dono, go back inside. It's staring to rain and you are barefoot; sessha does not want you to get sick."

"That doesn't answer my question."

_SPLAT, SPLAT, SPLAT.__  Harder now, the rain comes pouring down. Harder now, more than ever I want to pull her against me. I know she is shivering and bravely fighting against the liquid ice water that is beginning to soak us both, dragging us into its small world of hazy mists. My head is reeling. _

"It is not what you deserve." I squeak, cowardice getting the better of me.

"That still doesn't answer my question." She voices again, as calm as ever.

_SPLAT, SPLAT, SPLAT, SPLAT_. Raindrops, teardrops; what difference does it make when you are drenched in salty seas of despair, each wound reopening and burning your flesh like if the cuts and bruises had just been inflicted? 

Please don't make me do this. Please don't make me tell you what will hurt you. Please don't make me leave you. Please, I need you! I need to believe… I want to believe… I want to believe you need me… I know you want me, but do you need this bundle of insecurities, nightmares and regrets that is me? Please, go back inside or I will never forgive myself if you get sick for walking after me. Please help me; I'm drowning amidst the pouring rain. 

Finally I turn to face her, to confront my emotions. I have to tell her no; she can't have what she wants because it is no good for her. I have to tell her to let go because I'm not worth holding on to. 

Her eyes are shimmering, her hair is stuck to her forehead, to her neck and her yukata is going see-through in this downpour. She looks beautiful and radiant and… all else goes beyond words. I want to say yes but I can't. I should say no but, I don't dare; I'll loose her otherwise. I'll loose me.

"You are going to get sick." 

Kaoru's eyes fleet down to the ground, rejection stinging and overwhelming her. No, please don't loose hope in me!!! I need you; I need you to believe in me! I need to believe… I need to believe that you can believe in me. Don't abandon me, don't let go of all of this so easily. Please…

I wrestle out off my gi and feel the pitter patter of the rain burn against my skin, ice shards cutting through my flesh. I delicately wrap it around her, trying to protect her from the cold as best as I can, savoring this one meek moment of intimacy. Her widened eyes shoot up, searching for some sign on my face proving that somehow I am giving in to her desires. I can't afford to offer her such openness; I need to heal some more, need to believe in me some more so that she can be happy, so all her patience and waiting won't go to waste. I love her and that is all I know. I cannot be with her as she wishes, not yet, not until I figure some things out but, I won't loose her; she's all I have and she's all I want. 

"Let's go back inside and warm up… Kaoru." I add that as an afterthought and I say this just to keep her close, to make sure she will believe in me and hang on some more, just because her name tastes so sweet against my lips. 

She smiles softly at me and buries herself into my chest. 

"You are going to get sick." Her muffled words abandon my chest and rumble through my body like electricity.

I can't help but chuckle as I think to myself that I am already sick. The rain has nothing to do with my ailment. The girl in my arms, with all of her concern, has more to do with my illness than the splattering rain. Being lovesick has nothing to do with the weather…

Thus, she abandons the soft spot on my chest ready to walk ahead of me, when I place my arm around her shoulder and pull her close to me, intent on keeping her as warm as possible until we reach the dojo. I remember her bare feet and frown. That just won't do. I lift her into my arms and decide I will just have to carry her instead. She gasps in shock but then simply opts for relaxing, nuzzling her face in the crook of my neck, trying to hide her pale skin from the rain. It might be true that we, as a unit, are short of a miracle tonight but me, as a man, I carry living proof of miracles in my arms tonight.

_Thump - Thump. I can hear a heartbeat. __Thump-Thump-Thump.__ It quickens, gets louder, seems racy.__ Thump-Thump-Thump-Thump! It's truly awkward, but that fast, steady pounding soothes me. It's nice to know that when in proximity of me, her heart beats just as fast as mine._

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Well folks, whatever your opinion of this then please do review and, remember, me no own RK, so please, don't sue!

_Reviewer Responses:_

**To mvdiva: **Hi! Umm… thanks for continuously reviewing this fic and taking the time to read it. It makes me feel special!!! *blushes madly*. As for your fic, I have been keeping an eye on it and I have to say, I find it's coming along GREAT! In my opinion you never wrote yourself into a corner but rather made yourself some room to create and expand on many possibilities. Kenshin is being very much like Kenshin once he gets into his brooding phase and vows, yet again to protect his Kaoru-dono, even from himself. Nicely done!

**To A.R. Frederik: **Thank you, thank you, thank you! Your review for chapter 7 did wonders for me! I did exactly as you recommended, took some time off to think and ponder and then pine over the characters' next move and… suddenly I woke up humming a song and decided I was ready to write again, giving this my all. I hope it worked. Well, you tell me, right? *giggles nervously* Anyway, just really, please keep reviewing because you have proved to be wonderful help and if the flame of writing was rekindled, I owe it in grand part to you.

**To Mewberries:** Sorry I made you wait!!! Okay, so I didn't insert your megaphone into the storyline, but I did make Kenshin's conscience tell him he was an idiot. I think that's as close as I will ever get to the megaphone, although you seem to have other wonderful uses for it *snickers*. Well, do keep the feedback coming and thank you for your interest in this fic.

**To Ambie Chan: **You know, in a way I am grateful that fanfiction.net only allows one review per story otherwise I get the feeling that, in spite of your words declaring the contrary, you WOULD have been throwing death threats my way because of the sweet time I took to finally upload. Gomen! *bows head in shame*. I just really needed to get my muse back! Please don't give up on this story! Do read and review!

**To Ocean Fish: **a.k.a, the writer formally known as newbee. Hahaha. Okay I won't ask and it sounds okay, better than 'starfish and the hot-dog flavored water' anyway! Of course I will be on the lookout for your upcoming creation! Thanx for your sweet words and your support! Tell me what you think of this chapter, I would gladly appreciate it.

**To ShilviGrl/Amyjenc1: **I didn't really understand everything you said in your review but one thing was clear… YOU LIKED MY STORY!!! Thanks.

**To neko youkai prncezz: **Here is more of this story, just for you!!! Okay, so not exactly posted ASAP, but hey, I do my best! Thanks for the review!

**To tampopo:** *Iram blushes 100 different shades of red and shyly makes circles on the floor with feet*. Awww, what you said was so nice!!! I am touched and honored that you could make this humble writer out to be so talented. I really hope you enjoyed this chapter; do let me know what you made of it.

**To Kenshin-Kaoru-Forever: **Wish granted! New chapter posted and e-mail to notify update sent!

**To Vensu Smurf:** Lets get into the topic of adoration: I think I adore you more than you adore me. You are just amazing at saying the right things to get me going and happy and open to writing! As for your brother and adoration, I am taking a slight dislike to him because of what he did to your laptop but, since he's your family… I won't hold a grudge… not long, anyway. I am going to miss your reviews and believe me, the idea of getting absurdly long reviews from you in a not so distant future is truly pleasant. I'm glad you liked the "whisper" concept and I would love to know, once you get around to reading this, no matter how long that might take, how you felt with the whole "sound sequence" in this chapter. Once again, I'm sad about the act that you won't be able to review me until a laptop's back in your hands, but I wish you the best of luck and hope that you an buy the darned thing soon! Kisses and over a thousand thank yous for your continual encouragement and honest praise. 

Well people, I'm done for the night. Stay tuned to find out what happens next time in our 20 min. long drama "All I wanted". Hahhaha. 'Till next time kids! 


	9. The courageous heart of Kamiya Kaoru

STANDAR DISCLAIMERS APPLY: Me, own RK? What are you on?!

**Quick little message from author: I apologize for making you all wait so long to see what would happen next. I am so sorry!!! The thing is…*sigh* It's my muse again. I swear, sometimes she can be so unwilling to cooperate that it saddens me. Other times she has me working so much that my eyes are drooping and I can't stop writing. Would it be too much to ask if she managed to distribute inspiration in a more organized fashion? Oh well, after a lot of grumbling, headaches, wrist aches and heartache, here's a long chapter. Enjoy…**

Chapter 9: The Courageous Heart of Kamiya Kaoru.

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_"Time is too slow for those who wait, to swift for those who fear, too long for those who grieve, too short for those who rejoice. But for those who love time is not." -Henry van Dyke_

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"Kami-sama, you're drenched!" he exclaimed, rushing to find a towel as soon as he had gently set her down in her bedroom.

Kaoru mechanically unwrapped herself from his dank gi and ran her fingers nervously through her damp hair.

The walk back to the dojo had been set in silence with only the continuous drumming of the rain disrupting the stillness of the night.

Her heart had been pounding so infuriatingly loud when in his arms that she had not even been capable of thinking properly, much less speaking her mind. There were so many things she yearned to say…

When she had bravely trudged off after him she had planned on apologizing, on scolding him, on telling him all the things that she had kept quiet for so long. Instead, she had let silence envelop them and swallow her whole. _"Can you offer me what I want?"_ What kind of apology or profound undying love confession was that?!  

Kaoru frowned and unconsciously tightened her grip on the fabric threaded through her fists. She was so angry with herself and her body was in turn so rigid that her knuckles were turning white. If she kept this up, soon her nails would be drawing blood from her very flesh.

There was just so much she wanted to say!!! And all she could do when he was around was cower and hide behind words she couldn't fully comprehend!!! Her mouth suddenly opened and before her mind had time to process any of it she was already caught in some embarrassing or confusing situation that she simply couldn't turn her back from. Wouldn't it just be easier if she were the type to get tongue-tied? Oh, but nooo, her mouth just had to have a will of its own and actually function properly without previously meditated on commands. 

Kaoru glared down at her hands and stared, transfixed, at the magenta fabric of his dripping gi. A half smile graced her lips as she remembered how sweet his actions had been upon realizing that they had been caught in a rainstorm together. He had immediately peeled off the one item of clothing protecting his torso against the freezing ice showers and wrapped it around her to shield her from the cold, regardless of his own health. Always regardless of himself he stumbled through this life…

Kenshin crept into the room and found her standing as immobile as a statue, clutching his gi tightly, a sorrowful expression darkening her features. 

"Kaoru?" he wondered aloud, stepping softly towards her. It appeared that she was deep in thought for his words and footsteps seemed to go unnoticed by her ears.

"Kaoru?" he repeated, tearing his gi gently from her clenched hands.

"Hunh? Oh Kenshin! Sorry; I didn't hear you come in."

"It's alright" he said placing a very dry towel into her not quite as dry hands.

Kaoru eyed the towel absently, still caught in the miasma of her thoughts:

_"Sometimes, I regret telling him that I do not care about the past, for it seems he might have misinterpreted me. What I meant to say back then, was that I would gladly bear the burden of the lives he took long ago with him, for that did not matter to me, nor should it have any relevance in the life we might choose to lead. Killing people is wrong. Yes, I am aware of that, considering I adhere myself to the principle of the Sword of Life, the foundations of my very own being."_

_"Of course, if he doesn't open up and pour his heart out to me anytime soon, that does not mean that I will stop loving him. I will always love him; there is no doubt in my heart about it. My soul belongs to him, my very essence thinly spread against every one of his occasional and very rare, true smiles."_

_"We keep dancing around each other, never going straight for the root of the problem, never having a decent, polite discussion over matters that concern our non-relationship."_

_"I want to be able to sit beside him in silence without feeling uncomfortable. I need us both to learn to trust each other with our lives; past, present and future. That's all I want."_

_"I want him, I long for him and most importantly, I need him to know that I have finally understood, that I have finally seen the light regarding whom he is and that I am not afraid."_

_"The wall had never been him: it is me! The silent barrier wasn't his guilt; it is my apprehension.  I thought I could take it, but when presented with the truth all I did was pull back, unwilling to confront and only ready to forget. It was his past- his life. How could I ever ask him to forget his life?"_

Kenshin was talking, but Kaoru wasn't listening at all. She was too busy gathering her thoughts, all of them. There was just so much that she wanted to say…

Her mouth had a mind of its own, often throwing her into situations the more sensitive side of her would have rather gladly avoided; perhaps she could use this for her own benefit. There were a great deal of things she wanted to speak out but she was too scared and would rather avoid exposing all of her thoughts. Maybe her accursed condition could prove to her advantage. Maybe her clumsiness could be turned right back around into something else, something more… something akin to courage.

"… then after your warm bath you could drink some tea just to avoid a cold or the flu." She heard Kenshin say.

_A warm bath… What about him? _Some tea… _What about him?! _

Courage. She needed courage and she needed it now. Now would definitely be a good time for her foggy mind and her easygoing mouth to work their magic. Thus:

"Kenshin, I know it's late and we are both tired and we've both spoken up about  a lot of things today but- if I don't say certain things right now I fear I might never say them." 

She had decided. It was time. He needed to understand. He needed to see just how much she wanted, needed and longed for him. All else could wait. Everything else didn't matter; it was all devoid of relevance if he walked away yet again. She could wait. She could wait an eternity if he asked her to but she needed to make sure that he understood, that he knew how she felt before he put them through the filter of patience and impatience derived in a forever.

"Kaoru…" he breathed out. What would she ask of him now? What words would she like him to say that he knew he very well wouldn't be able to blurt out? What was she going to make him listen to? What was he not going to be capable of responding accordingly to now?

"No, please, let me get this over with. First thing's first: here." She said handing him the pristine white towel.

"Oro?" he blinked, confused by her actions.

"You are a very strong man; we've already covered that. Your body works in amazing ways: I don't think I have ever encountered someone with your physical and healing abilities. Now, that being said; take this stupid towel and dry up! You were just caught in the rain like me and are every bit as human as I am. If I get sick you will coddle me; if you get sick you will cover it up and strain yourself to the point of possible death. I'm not ready to have you die on me just yet, so here." She insisted, giving him the soft, fluffy thing.

Kenshin found himself ready to argue with her, complaining about the fact that she read him wrong. However, the sincerity in her quivering voice, his less-than-eager will to worry her and the actual truth behind her speech drove him to a curt nod and a grateful response.

"Your concern is very much appreciated Kaoru-do – Kaoru." He stuttered, still not entirely accustomed to the lack of the famed honorific after pronouncing her name.

Kaoru smiled at him sadly. Had no one ever cared for him his entire life? Had anyone bothered to be kind with him and actually treat him human before? These questions made another wave of scattered thoughts swarm about in her head, which prompted her next statement:

"How did it feel to sacrifice your soul for the greater good knowing that most people wouldn't understand you, that they wouldn't acknowledge the nobility of your deeds?"

"Killing people isn't noble." He replied in a low, sinister tone.

Kaoru slowly padded her way to the futon, sitting on its surface, fully intent on seeing this conversation through. 

"I'm not saying that taking a life is noble or right but… those were different times. There was war on the streets and someone had to fight to make it stop, for it to have some sort of justification or, at the very least, a purpose. It's strange really, but I think about it a lot and, even if I can't ever say that what you did was morally correct, I understand it. Maybe it's an awful thing to say, especially since it contradicts my budo but… it is how I feel.

The context in which you fought and slaughtered- slaughtered really is a horrible word, isn't it? – made you out to be only a victim of circumstance, pretty much like everyone back then."

"He who can wield a sword to protect his own life, who can at any given moment assume the arrogant role of playing God, is not a victim of anything, ever." Kenshin practically growled.

"Perhaps. You were fighting for a belief though, not as a means to keeping yourself alive, and your cause won. I can live in peaceful times because you carved my path to a better future, along with that of millions of people, with your sword's blade shedding others' blood. Those of us who live in peace, who thrive and proudly hold our heads high because we never caused another's death, we bask in that same blood everyday, proclaiming innocence. How can I judge you when it is through your sins that I can look forward to a brighter future of content living?"

"In this new era not much has changed. It is still somewhat naïve to consider these to be truly peaceful times. There's still a great deal to work on before the beliefs that finally drove the previous one to a close actually fully kick in. The path might have been carved but we have yet to tread it and, if it is not walked upon, it is useless."

"I agree: if you don't attempt to experience peace, you render it useless. Even against your will Kenshin, you will have to live in peace sooner or later. It's not really a choice you know; it's human life. Which brings me to tonight…"

Kenshin cringed. What was she looking to get at? This conversation- he didn't want to be having this conversation right now. What he wanted was for Kaoru to be in bed, asleep, avoiding any possible chances of getting a bit under the weather, given their midnight bath and all.

"Kaoru, discussing such things at this hour might not be for the best. Tomorrow will be a brand new day, then all of this-"

"Tomorrow will be too late. Kenshin, every single day of your life you weep with your whole heart; I believe you can laugh with the whole of it too.

I don't know much, except that you need to heal. However you choose to take it upon yourself to heal I will abide by it but, I do believe that love can help some and… I love you. Like I said, I don't know much about anything in the end, but I love you and maybe, just maybe, that might turn out to be a good thing for the both of us."

Kenshin shook his head. She was asking too much from him and the bad news was that… he was this close to giving up on himself and just taking it all, allowing her to call the shots, to make the tough decisions for him. He was tired, it had been a long night and, apparently, they still had a long way to go.

"Kaoru, please…"

"No! Don't think that I am asking you for an answer or for you to feel ready! I'm not telling you this so you can jump into my arms and we can live happily ever after! I'm not going to deny that I would like that to happen either, but if I expected it then I wouldn't know you at all. You have many secrets but at least I think I can presume to know you, just a little bit. And that little bit that I have on you, it makes me fully conscious that you need to go slow, take your time, brood, pine, ponder and whatnot. All I want is for you to get the fact that I love you through that thick head of yours! Worthiness, unworthiness, clean hands, blood and martyrdom- all of that is in YOUR mind, not mine! I LOVE YOU!!! The rest… I don't care. L – O – V – E. I LOVE YOU!!! Nightmares, gruesome memories, guilt, slumped shoulders and faraway looks, I will share the lot of it with you! And why is that?! BECAUSE I, KAMIYA KAORU, LOVE YOU, KENSHIN HIMURA!!! NOT THE RUROUNI, NOT THE BATOUSSAI, JUST YOU!"

Kenshin's eyes widened and his throat closed up. Suddenly he snapped back to reality when lack of oxygen to his lungs got him dizzy. He hadn't realized that he had forgotten to breathe. 

When had he ever just been 'Kenshin'? The last time he checked, there was always some eloquent wording meant to define him. 

First came the cold-blooded assassin known as Batoussai. Then came the gentle, warm-hearted and simple rurouni. He was a swordsman, a shadow assassin, a bodyguard, a protector of the oppressed, the strongest man in Japan… the list could go on forever. But when, oh when, had he just been Kenshin? Not Himura-san, not baka deshi but just Kenshin, a regular name fit for a regular man, like any other? How long had he wished to become, to be reborn into a common person tending to the daily labors of their routinely and ordinary life? 

_'Just you!'__ Just him… How did that work? What was it like to be just 'him'? It had been years, a lifetime of hardships and travels on an everlasting quest for redemption before he had ever been reverted to the role of the little boy he once knew, of the little boy that just 'was'._

At this point, Kaoru was trembling. Never, in all the time that she had known this beautiful man had she deemed herself capable of screaming away her most guarded emotions. The effect he seemed to have on her was so strange… 

Since that fateful day, since that alley, since his initial goofy grin, she had been caught under his spell, entranced by the mystery that was him. 

Tonight, with flustered cheeks and heavy breathing she tried to gather herself, to assimilate the reality behind what seemed to be nothing more than a daydream, one of the many she used to have involving her favorite redhead and her big mouth accompanied by a florid confession and a passionate kiss.Tonight there were no heated kisses and the syllables that flowed from her very heart out into the silence of her room were neither refined nor enhanced in metaphor; they just were, and it had really happened, and she could not take a single breath of it back. 

Meticulously picking herself off the futon, avoiding him entirely, she walked past him and stood before the sliding doors of her bedchamber. 

"Good night Kenshin." She called out.

Kenshin, lost in space, only half registered her polite order of retreat and, like a zombie with light feet, glided out of her personal space and found himself in the hallway, right back where he had started.

Spinning around, he came face to face with a shoji sliding shut. For the second time that night he stared with fierce intensity at the thin rice paper that separated him from something completely unknown to his person up until now, lost in the deepest of thinking patterns.  

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On the other side of the poorly rebuilt barrier Kaoru's hands spread out stiffly against the rice paper's surface, her eyes glazed over and she crumbled to the ground like a dejected paper crane.

Had she done the right thing? She needed to know. She told Kenshin she loved him, that she didn't care about all the reasons that compelled him to put their relationship on hold. She also happened to mention that, maybe, taking into account the motives that of his actions during the Bakumatsu, he blames himself excessively for his wrongdoings. Then, she proceeded to discreetly shove him out of her room because she didn't want him to feel obliged to anything due to her aforementioned statements.

Why did everything have to be so complicated?!! Sure she recognized that the romance novels that she devoured before letting her head flop sleepily down on her pillow were too farfetched to someday compare to an actual chapter of her own life, but still… Couldn't the world give her a break for once?!! Couldn't the love of her life get over guilt tripping for at least one lousy night?

But nooo… simple things were obviously not meant for he; it was only through a tirade of complications that she could finally reach her heart's desires. That was just the way the universe had intended it, or something: clearly the universe conspired against her from the moment she was conceived. That bunch of middle aged, bald, bored out of their minds comedians who transform puny humans into the perfect characters for their skits, also known as the ruling forces of the universe, had mapped out her entire life into one giant teardrop, sprinkled with golden showers of laughter and amusement all the way, all the taunt and flirt, before slamming down versus harsh soil.

Kamiya Kaoru's life chart in a nutshell: loose mother, then father at young age, consequently becoming traumatized with the idea of living and dying alone and lonely in this rapidly spinning world. Cut to Act 3, Scene 1: meeting with an adored tormentor disguised in long auburn hair and baggy white hakama, followed by; abandonment by said embodiment of torment; various close encounters with death because of the auburn spreading slightly more crimson all over the adored one's figure; several kidnappings as an outcome to her questionable association with her heart's owner, not to mention daily life occurrences deriving in the "will they or won't they?" talk of the town.  

Yes, the kamis had graced her with complication after complication, but only in the adequate dosage to numb her and not choke her; just enough so she could learn to deal with herself without dying.

On a limb, she had decided to defy the heavenly forces that controlled her destiny and tried to de-complicate her situation with her soul mate by setting things right, which implied admitting her feelings for him, demonstrating her vast knowledge and comprehension of his inner turmoil, and apologizing for erroneous, pointless accusations made. 

Wait… she had admitted and acknowledged… but had she apologized?!! 

Leaping to her feet and wiping at her eyes, she pulled on that wretched, stubborn barrier one more time.

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"I'm unworthy, I'm unworthy, I'm unworthy, I'm unworthy…" Kenshin repeated to himself for the zillionth time.

"Face it: that mantra's getting old." He thought to himself.

Unworthy, incapable, unable, guilty, dangerous, hurtful, unthinkable- Kenshin's own thesaurus of ugly terms synonymous to that which he was and represented, blown to smithereens by a courageous angel's breathtaking performance. 

So, the question arised: what now?

If he couldn't feel unworthy, incapable, unable, and so on, and so on, in her presence, if his cover was blown and he was no longer allowed to scour behind used and reused safety measures to keep her at a distance, what now?

The rurouni, this role he had played for so long, had been deconstructed by a kind, yet simple, girl- or so he had thought. No; he had always known that she wasn't simple. If so though, then why hadn't his warrior instincts seen this coming? 

Because this wasn't a battle! He had been a clever strategist all the time, overlooking the simplest of things: this wasn't, had never been, nor would ever be battleground. Apparently, this was home base and he, somehow, had gotten the two seriously mixed up. Then again, HE was seriously mixed and messed up; mistakes such as these were bound to happen.

She loved him through everything. All he thought she couldn't see, was too ingenious to understand, turned out to be his demise and downfall. Had this been a duel, he would be a limp, lifeless heap of a body by now, but this was home; he was left still standing, an arm's length away from his only reason to live.

Kenshin scratched the back of his head sheepishly: could he be more idiotic if he tried?!! Probably not, but if there was a contest for idiot of the year, he would be ruling champion for the past… his entire life!

His philosophy regarding Kaoru had been as follows: she is my road to happiness, she is that which urges me to live; yet another mistake. Tonight he stood corrected: she WAS his happiness, she WAS his life, not the means to an end. She was both the means, the end and a bonus, nicely stuffed as an extra to the already full package.

What Kaoru had said inside the confines of her bedroom was… amazing; his response to everything had been… disconcerting, to keep it low key. He had found himself at a loss for words, not the least on the night's long list of firsts. He had wanted to let go of all restraints and drown in her gravitational pull, unsurprisingly yet another first since sundown. 

He was getting tires and, on some level, too old for this. She was right; he would have to deal with living in peace eventually, the thought had already crossed his mind a few times after he had awoken from the dream.

About the dream… The dream's fuel had burnt out quickly, but a certain raven haired beauty's insistence had maintained this journey of self awakening eventful and surprising. She was just full of surprises; quite the little piñata. 

Events, surprises, tears, rage, frustration, hope and a million other expressions later, he was certain that she, although not sully familiar with his every ordeal and affliction, was indeed the person that knew him best. She was informed on just enough to draw him in.

As for the many other blanks; he could fill them in afterwards or leave some spaced out and unanswered forever: there wee some things she was better off not knowing and that suited him just fine.

He loved her, she loved him and all bets were off, all arguments coming undone at the thought of her long lashes, the perfect frame to her sparkling eyes. So, what now?

Synonyms of barrier: barricade, restraint.

Antonyms of barrier: assistance, encouragement.*

To pull down the barrier, some assistance through encouragement, brought on by courage and valiance, was required: a sliding door and Kaoru's face came into full view.

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Kaoru wasn't sure of what happened next: one minute she was stammering his name dumbly, confused by finding him still in the hallway, and suddenly, before she knew what was going on, Kenshin's lips were crushed against hers, sheer bottled up passion and love shining through.

His hands were in her hair, on her waist, on her cheeks; they were everywhere, roaming her, exploring her. Her hands were also doing a little wandering of their own, discovering the feel of his hair, slipping through her fingers, the softness of his skin and the warmth of his eyes. Everything was so new and so wonderful and so foreign and undisclosed all at once, that going about this newfound discovery slowly was impossible. They were both caught in a mad rush of adrenaline; too many things left unsaid that could only be made out and proved real through action. 

Ever so gently, he began prying on her yukata and she tenderly slipped her hands through the opening on his gi, making contact with his bare skin, scarred and mistreated by years of fighting for dreams and ideals, of fighting in a world gone mad and for a world that was now all the better for it. 

The caresses, the exchanged glances, the crescendo in the already frenetic rhythm of surfacing emotions finally breaking through; it was all heaven to him. The jasmine scent of her hair was intoxicating and irresistible. The smoothness of creamy ruffling imaginary wings at her back was the sweetest hallucination that he had ever fallen victim to.

The white yukata came off. All inhibitions fell on the floor with their clothes and what proceeded was a gentle game of skin on skin, an exercise in further recognizing, admiring and understanding each other.

Two souls laid bare on a cotton cloud, slipping into each other's truths, reaching for each other's hearts, desperately clinging onto one another's disarrayed emotions, begging to be acknowledged. The tenderness and the forcefulness of their natures was exposed. There were no secrets that night, at least none that floated beyond the barrier of words. They themselves were floating, exploring the immensity of each others' worlds, worlds that were presented at their very feet, humbly offered with pleading gazes, quickening breaths and relinquished with the outburst of acceptance. 

One autumn night, amidst chilly temperatures, fleeting yellowed leaves and the cold sun's first heart warming rays, two souls bargained the rest of their lives innocently, clumsily and completely. 

One autumn night, turning into day, on a warm mattress, two hearts beat as one, finally relaxing into another's rhythm, finally finding a place to belong to in such a vast world: each other's arms.

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If you have any comments, give me a review. I'll stick around for the good, the bad and the ugly. Except if you are a K/K hater because, well, why were you reading this story if it's about them? Are you some sort of masochist? Still, if that's your case, don't bother yourself by reading this and don't bother me by sending me a negative review. Aside from that, all comments, good or bad, are fully welcome.

_Reviewer Responses:_

**To Rekka's Angel: **Thank you for your kind review. What I was trying to convey last chapter was exactly that, love in the real world, not some idyllic fairytale. Fairytales are nice, but they are more of a fantasy than anything else; I wanted my characters to be as real as fictional characters could be, under the circumstances. I'm glad that you saw eye to eye with me on that.

**To Megumi_Katekawa: **I'm sorry that I left you hanging quite a while there. I hope that this new chapter was to your liking and that you continue as much in love with this story as the first time you read it. I know I'm still in love with writing it. It pleases me immensely that other people can actually come to enjoy something I write

**To Papaya!**: It makes me happy to know that your new vice is a fanfic called "All I Wanted"; it gets me in a good mood to know that! I REALLY wanted Kenshin to turn around and just kiss her or something but… I knew I couldn't. As for what happens in this chapter, I hope you still find K and K to be quite as in character as before. Let's just take into account, though, that Kaoru was being a brave young lady here, speaking her heart and that, after a dumfounded state, Kenshin proved to be just human. I mean, after a gal says all she does, if the guy doesn't respond, there is something really wrong with him. That, or he's just Heero…

**To Mewberries:** Happy enough for ya? ^_^ Sure, I'm still not done, I think I have only one more chapter to go, but it's all going to be happy, happy, happy!!! Another question: do you still feel sorry for broody Kenni now? Hahhaah… I thought not…

**To Ookami-Chan:** Curiously enough, this morning I found a giant brown box in the middle of the kitchen *bites nails and glances around nervously*.  I fear that your threat has become a reality and now I don't know what to do! What if the dog pounces on me, Hector tackles me and suddenly I end up duct taped to my computer chair?!! So… the box remains closed because, whatever is in there, I don't wanna know…. Thank you for liking my ficcie!!!

**To tampopo:** Luckily for you, I found the time to write the chapter… eventually anyways. Okay so, chapter 8, not so happy. What about now? Are you grinning broadly from ear to ear? I hope so! I didn't give in to your idea about Kaoru saying she was sorry although, would you rather have had her say so and nothing else happen or let Kenshin kiss her into silence before she spilled the beans? Toughie, hunh? Anyway, thank you for the support!

**To Kenshin-Kaoru Forever:** Another chapter was posted, another e-mail was sent.

**To TenkunoMeiou:** Me glad u likes.

**To ****ShilviGrl/Amyjenc1****: Thanx for appreciating the sound sequence. Well, I think he told her now, right? Well, sort of anyways…**

**To Shaeya Sedjet Namir: **I love your penname!!! I have no idea what it means, if it's a real name or the name of some anime character, but it's trippy! Ahn, thank you for deeming this humble piece of work as sniffle worthy; hopefully, after this chappie, it will be equally grin worthy! It was very sweet and kind of you to consider me a great writer. Thank you, I think that a message like that always gives room to some inspiration.

**To A.R. Frederik: **Thank you, thank you, thank you!!! I don't think I can ever say it enough! You said my writing has passion!!! *stars glimmer in eyes*. As for your offer; I will joyfully take it. Thank you for your extreme kindness and for the continuous encouragement. I love the way you review with concise pointers and sound advice. You don't sugarcoat it but you are gentle in your approach and very sweet. That is something that always makes me eager to write: knowing that someone that is reading this believes in me not just as a fic writer, but as a writer, period. I would write more but it's 4 am and my eyes are closing all on their own. Better get me some rest. Good night and, again, thank you.

Thank you to all and to all a good night!!! Next chapter is the last (I think, with my muse you never know.) so, be on the lookout, 'kay? Bye now!


	10. And then she smiled

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DISCLAIMER: I do not own any RK… heck, sometimes I question whether I actually own myself or not…

**Quick little message from author: My sincerest apologies for taking my sweet time to finally post the FINAL CHAPTER!!! The thing is, I had finals and had to do a lot of studying and such so, yeah… I'm sorry. Well, this is it then, the final goodbye- until the next story that is. Okay, thus "All I wanted" comes to a close, with me giving my all to this last installment of the story. I hope you guys enjoy, I hope it somewhat reaches your expectations and so on, and so on. Thank you all for your unwavering support, for making me smile and for believing in me. **

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**Chapter 10: And then She Smiled.**

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**English Translation**

_But there is Life _

_which__ is meant to be_

_intensely__ lived,_

_there__ is love._

_Which must be lived___

_Till the last drop.___

_Without any fear.___

_It does not kill._

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**Original Version**

_Mas há a vida_

_que__ é para ser _

_intensamente__ vivida,_

_há__ o amor._

_Que tem que ser vivido_

_Até a ultima gota._

_Sem nenhum medo._

_Não Mata._

_         (Clarice Lispector)_

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**

****

**__**

_....And then she smiled, that crooked smile of hers, and all was well with the world again._

_And then she cried, those sad lonesome tears of hers, and the once precious world grew dim as I tuned out all other sounds._

_And then she laughed, that mirthful laugh of hers, and life was reborn, the world created anew in the warm hearth of her joy._

_And then she was mine and I smiled, that tired smile of mine, I wept those wretched tears of mine, I laughed that throaty laugh of mine, and I was hers as well._

_And then she was, she just existed and I, awkwardly but undoubtedly existed too, along with, by and through her._

_And then she was real, no longer a fantasy, and I was driven to ecstasy, reveling in being alive once more._

_And then she felt, she was, somehow she belonged; she was mine, she was the worlds: such a perfect gift._

_And then, suddenly, out of nowhere, she smiled…_

(Anna Iram)

*        *        *        *        *        *        *        *        *        *        *        *        *

The rustling of feathers had him sitting up in two seconds flat. "_Feathers?" He wondered dazedly, not quite sure of where exactly he had gotten the idea that feathers were swirling all about him._

Looking to his right, he found his answer: an angel was engulfed in deep slumber at his side; feathers were somewhat inevitable when dealing with heavenly creatures.

Relaxing, smiling and breathing again, he reincorporated himself properly beside her, making sure to tuck her back into the covers she had tossed off of her naked, creamy skin sometime during the night.

Gently, he stroked her tousled hair, a cascade of beautiful minerals, complex and varying in composition: the softest tourmaline on the face of the earth weaving its way through his nimble fingers.

He dipped his face into the long silken strands of ebony and breathed in as much of her scent as he could. He resurfaced dizzy, refreshed, the fragrant jasmine extract a reminder of sunshine all ablaze in the promising summer light.

It was autumn, winter would soon be closing in on them, but he held the secret of summer days and nights trapped in his arms, a sweet scented jasmine-like dream.

Closing his eyes, he urged himself to fall asleep again- like if that had ever worked before…

However, today was different. On this glorious morning he felt so at peace, so complete, that surely it wouldn't be long now before Morpheus claimed him into his serene and placid embrace.

Of course, Kenshin's "surelies" were always lacking in actual certainty, and thus sleep would not come to his restless soul.

Vexed, he stirred, opened one eye and glanced at his bedside companion, slightly jealous of her ability to softly snore the day away, unperturbed by unrest. At the same time, male pride got the better of him and a lazy smile etched itself across his frown: he had tired her out.

Beaming, though, soon was an over and done with matter, which lead Kenshin back to his state of "awake ness" and its likely culprit: unrest. Unrest of heart and mind. But why? Why now? He was genuinely content, so where the hell was this annoying, unnecessary uneasiness coming from? Answer: a nagging at the back of his mind.

What nagging? He didn't understand. Everything had already come full circle, things were as they should have always been, she smiled and all was well with the world… so why wasn't the world doing all that well right about now?

Answer nº2: technically, she wasn't currently smiling. More like drooling on the pillow, but not smiling… and then there was the future to think about…

_"Future?__ Think Kenshin, think!" he mentally screamed while practically walloping himself. Truth be told, walloping had already proven ineffective before on the dense man's thick skull. _

Nevertheless, the attempt was made, brooding over words like _future, Kaoru, Kenshin and _dojo_ was undertaken, and eventually, in true Kenshineske fashion, realization dawned._

_Future.__ Kaoru. Kenshin. Dojo. Home. Kenshin. Kaoru. Unit. House. Family. Family unit. Marriage. Children. Work. One common futon. Marriage. Future. Relationship. Vows. Promise. Rings._

At long last, the thought of rings put a close on the long scatter brain game where association of ideas was the main goal for promptly arriving at a conclusion.

Conclusion: Kenshin wanted Kaoru all bound in a forever, a.k.a marriage. To marry required a proposal and, along with corny words professing eternal love, cam a ring.

Everything was as it should be and internal dealings had long ago been probed and solved, except for the lingering matter that bedding a lady usually occurred after the exchange of rings and vows. 

Well, seeing as their case scenario had somewhat differed from that neatly set out pattern, a ring was in order… AT ONCE.  As soon as Kaoru opened her eyes, the band pledging commitment should be slipped onto her finger.

Minor setback: where was Kenshin going to find a ring in less than 30 minutes?

Oh well, he would just have to improvise; it wasn't as if he hadn't been cornered into that position before. After all, if once being the hitokiri Battousai could result in torment, self-inflicted pain, etcetera, then it was about darn time that at least the smallest of positive points was driven out of the alter ego's scheming, strategic, dare one say warped, mind.

Tiptoeing, he gathered his clothes, brushed her forehead softly with his lips and made a mad-dash out of the room.

Now, to improvise…

*        *        *        *        *        *        *        *        *        *        *        *        *

She was floating somewhere, dreaming somewhere, breathing somewhere. She belonged somewhere. Finally, at long last, she belonged. 

Safety, happiness, joy- feelings she could finally say she experienced to the fullest of their capacities. Glass half-full or half-empty? Brimming, glass contents overflowing. 

Because of all the gleeful energy flowing, or rather exploding through her, she couldn't help feeling that she was about to blow up into thousands of tiny particles, spreading her cheer and love all across the universe and beyond.

_"Kenshin, Kenshin, Kenshin…" His name kept repeating itself inside her mind's eye like some sort of elusive tantra.  _

The previous night… she would never trade it for anything on this earth. That night would forever be carved into her heart, her own secret treasure buried deep within her chest, a memory to keep her warm through the coldest of winters, to cherish till the end of days.

Batting her eyes furiously, she awakened to the stillness around her, to this new form of life where her dreams and reality had miraculously fused into one. 

She stretched sluggishly, happily, smiling broadly, then propped herself on her side, no longer resisting the temptation of seeing her love's calm, sleeping silhouette next to her.

When an empty left side of the futon revealed itself to her, her smile quickly melted away and her quickening heart sank to the pit of her stomach.

"Kenshin?" she called out in a hoarse whisper.

"Kenshin?" she called out to the empty room once again, bolting upright on the futon.

Searching the whole bedroom with desperate eyes and finding not even so much as a glimpse of his shadow in the near vicinity, she carelessly slipped on her yukata and skidded off nervously, hopefully to his encounter.

Kaoru didn't even bother to hold her yukata properly in place as she scampered into the kitchen, which earned her a pretty embarrassing moment with a certain ex-fighter-for-hire:

"Jou-chan?!!" dark brown eyes questioned in shock.

"Sano?!!" flustering cheeks inquired, embarrassed, angry and mortified alike.

The gaping mouth of the bewildered male was _delicately _drawn closed when a broom, born of thin air, made contact with his jaw.

 As he fell into a contorted heap on the wooden floor, the disconcerted young lady made a run for it and sought refuge in the wanderer's room.

Once the shoji slid closed, pacing around the room, venting fumes and pent up tension, seemed like the both decent and natural thing to do. After all, it wasn't everyday that you were caught parading around your own home, half-naked, by a close friend. 

It also wasn't a daily occurrence to make love with someone and then have them go missing after the nightly activities had been brought to an end. It wasn't a daily occurrence to make love with someone, period- at least not in her case. 

Kenshin knew that. Kenshin knew that what had come to take place between them had never taken place for her before. He knew that she was bound to, on account of firsts, have certain reserves, certain insecurities; all she needed was certain reassurance. To be reassured not much would be needed but, for starters, having him around as soon as she opened her eyes would have been nice. 

Sure, if it hadn't been for her outstanding display of courage and nerves of steel sex and intimacy would have never entered the equation, at least not unless Kenshin got bonked on the head and suffered selective amnesia somehow, but in the long run, all she was, was just a girl: tomboy yes, but not less of a girl with mushy, complex emotions for it!

With a loud oomph she flopped down against the mattress and sighed.

And now, to make things worse, Sanosuke had just seen a little too much cleavage and it would be days before she got over flushing and masking the embarrassment behind an angry façade, complete with mood swings and those of the bokken-kind as well! If only Kenshin had been there when she returned to the conscious world, none of that would have gone down. 

"Kenshin no baka!" she fumed, a vein dangerously popping on her forehead. 

It was all Kenshin's fault and she wouldn't let him live it down that easily!!! Why, as soon as he set foot in his room and Kaoru let him in on the morning's happenings, she would- Kaoru froze. She would what? More like what would he do?!!

One nervous gulp and a few flashbacks told her that maybe she ought to let go of this particular feud, or else Sano's life would be left hanging by a very thin thread as soon as Kenshin became acquainted with the "naked truth" regarding morning meetings in the kitchen; it was one thing to see amber eyes consumed with passion and desire and a completely different one to see them glowing with another type of lust, which usually resulted in blood, accompanied by the regulars: guilt, apprehension, shame, self-imposed torture, guilt yet again, and the rest of the "Sessha wa rurouni" plight.

Kaoru hunched her shoulders in defeat and took in the simple, silent room instead. _"Where was Kenshin?" she thought with exasperation. She tried to fight the tears that were starting to prickle and sting at the corner of her eyes, but it was all in vain. She wanted to be strong, relaxed and mature about it but… WHERE WAS KENSHIN?!!_

Why hadn't Kenshin waited for her to wake up? Where had he gone off to in such a hurry? Had the other night really been so terrible for him? 

Kaoru sniffled and attempted to contain herself. She would not cry. She would not let him see her cry. No one could see her cry, not again. She was tired of being the weakest link; she knew she had it in her to be tough and composed… Who was she kidding?! Kaoru buried her face in her hands and cried like a baby. 

Yes, she was brave. Yes, she could hold a shinai in her hands and fight. Yes, she could help Kenshin exorcise his demons (if he decided to let her, mid you). Yes, she could be an annoying, responsible big sister to Yahiko. Yes, she could eventually let go of the teasing that normally took place in honor of her dreadful cooking skills and Kenshin's aloofness. She could do it all with a smile on her face and a punch here and there. She was strong.

But, in the long run… he was a boy and she was a girl. The boy held her heart in his hands and being careless and thoughtless by nature, he broke the girl time and again.

He was just a boy, she was just a girl, and so, she cried…

*        *        *        *        *        *        *        *        *        *        *        *        *

So much for improvising… Where was something even remotely similar to a ring when you needed a dead ringer, if not the real thing? Kenshin groaned and flopped down on the tall grass by the brook. He needed to think, but he didn't have all day!!! He was running out of time here and still… no ring within sight.

He had done the fishing thing again, to no avail. Sure, when you were least expecting it, a catfish opened it's gapping mouth and regurgitated a perfectly beautiful ring, the stone a perfect match for her eyes and everything. Then, having no intentions of changing your marital status from widower to married -for the second time-, you gift the precious piece of jewelry and get into trouble for being too dimwitted to think of the consequences. 

Now, when you actually wanted a few modifications, when you had at last grown tired of being single and felt you could ease your way into settling down, no magical ring-swallowing-catfish made its grand appearance. Cursed "things never go the way you want them to" life theorem…

Yanking at a blade of grass idly, Kenshin shut his eyes and focused on the memory of her closed eyelids, the rhythm of her easy breathing, the thumping of her steady heartbeat, her long and perfect lashes, balancing the entire world on their curled tips. How could he walk back into their bedroom and have nothing to offer her but himself? 

Kenshin popped one eye open and stared miserably at the bouquet of irises and bellflowers clutched in his right hand. 

"Okay, so make that me plus a bunch of stupid flowers" he growled. 

_"Still not good __enough…" he thought to himself. "_Maybe some pastries as well?"_ Apparently, right by Tae's place a new bakery had been installed. Sweets were sure to get him… where exactly? Flowers were pretty, desserts were yummy, but neither of those things could possibly compare to a gold band with a precious stone on it. _

Kenshin sighed and raked his brain for some idea, some bright plan that would provide him with a ring in less than 10 minutes. Apparently, his brain was momentarily out of service, because no mind boggling thoughts came to him and he was left still stranded in his current dilemma. 

Kenshin propped himself on his elbows and blew a few bangs away from his eyes. As if it weren't bad enough that he hadn't managed to restrain himself and had acted out of sheer impulse like some hormone-ridden teenager, he didn't even have a proper, romantic _anything_ to sweep Kaoru off her feet and make her remember the day he proposed to her until they had grown old and gray together. Now there was a thought…

After the Bakumatsu's messy bloodbath all Kenshin had ever wanted was to die; not that he could allow himself to indulge in that sweet fantasy, considering he didn't have a right to an easy way out, but he had at least hoped that he could die of natural causes, or something, fairly young. After one night with Kaoru, all he wanted was for time to slow down, to savor every single moment, gesture and word spoken, and to live it all out to the very end, an end tucked away far off in time. 

_"Kaoru…" he mused. He loved her. He loved everything about her. She was perfect just the way she was. She deserved so much… _

Kenshin stood up and gazed out at the brook. The reason he so needed the moment to be perfect was basically resumed in that one thought. 

She was perfect and she deserved something that could measure up to those standards. Not that he ever would be able to size up, but at least the moment, it should be everything she had ever dreamed and more, because that was exactly what she deserved. 

None of this was for him, as far as he was concerned wedding vows were somewhat irrelevant –that was experience talking- but he knew that she would want the vows, she would want the ring, she would want a loving, albeit simple, ceremony and he would be damned if he could not give her all of that!

He was already so puny and insignificant in comparison to the girl with the bright eyes and pure heart and he had for so long known that he was unworthy of her, that, he had to make it up to her somehow. She had chosen him, unworthiness cast aside, but he knew- he just knew- no matter what she said, he wasn't enough for her and he had to compensate for that in any way. 

"Kami-sama, can't you see that I don't deserve her, that I am not enough? I need something,_ anything, _to try and compensate, to make her happy!!! I need to set things right for her, to start things off the way they should have always been. 

I don't have much to offer, but what I have she will readily take; I know that because she loves me. I don't know how it happened, or why you Kamis even bothered to grace me with that opportunity and miracle after everything I have done… 

Nevertheless, you did: you gifted me with her love and now, now you have to help me out! Not for my sake, but for hers. She is too good and too kind to not have her every dream come true! 

So now, do your job and fix this!!! Fix this for her, help me make her happy!!! Do you hear me?!! You HAVE to fix this, you HAVE to make her happy, you HAVE to let me make her happy!!! So, DO SOMETHING!!! GIVE ME A SIGN, ANY SIGN!!! GIVE ME SOMETHING, GIVE ME ANYTHING, BECAUSE ALL I NEED IS HER SMILE!!!" Kenshin screamed out to the gods in despair.

It was the truth: all he needed was her smile. He wanted her smile, her laughter, her every emotion. He wanted a ring, he wanted the right words to come to mind, he wanted perfection; all just as long as she would smile for him. 

_"Whoa!!! I have to slow down or __else I'll wind up like Enishi… not that I'm ever going to let anything happen to her. She will be safe. On my life I swear she will always be safe, I'll see to that." He thought to himself._

Well, waiting for heavenly forces to suddenly speak out to you and hand you the answers of universal knowledge- don't hold your breath. All powerful forces that are unseen are tricky like that- they don't exactly walk up to you, shake your hand, introduce themselves with a _"hello, I'm God; you had a question for me?"_ sentence. In fact, they most likely don't show up at all and leave you to ponder at the unlikeness of their existence. In spite of that, the myth of miracle has existed since the very beginnings of time… a well founded myth, might one add. 

This Kenshin came to find out, as he sighed and shook his head when the only answer he got after his little, and very unusual for the quiet man, rampage, was complete and utter silence. 

He could literally hear the noise the wind made as it swished through the grass and made ripples on the brook's surface. He could hear the fish swim in the shimmering pool of water. He could hear everything that was happening within a mile from where he was standing, but what he so desired to hear, the response he so badly needed, it never came… at least not in the form of something audible.

Suddenly, he sneezed: _"Oro…Who could be talking about me?" _ 

Shrugging off the thought, he slumped back down on the ground and hunched his shoulders in defeat. No ring, no perfection, nothing he couldn't do without… 

Averting his eyes from the blinding reflection the sun was casting on the body of water, Kenshin turned to picking at the grass again, deciding to blame it for all the confusion and things gone wrong. Stupid "where are any of the Kamis when you need them?" life fact…

Twirling a small blade of grass round his finger and tugging it out of the cool earth, Kenshin's eyes landed on something small and delicate and- PERFECT! Well, perfect would have been an actual ring, but this could do. It was romantic, thoughtful, silly, kind of teenagey and corny- yep, this was perfect!!!

Carefully he knelt by that particular patch of grass, cradled his answer in his hand and ran off at lightning speed.

_"Oh and Kamis… thank you for the visual-aid."_

Miracle is myth for a reason: hard to believe in them, but they happen, even if people never do the thanking out loud and the deed goes unnoticed by the rest of the world…

*        *        *        *        *        *        *        *        *        *        *        *        *

Kenshin passed by the kitchen and saw a crumpled Sano on the floor. Immediately he sprinted into the bedroom and found… Kaoru nowhere to be seen. Heart pounding violently in his chest and amber flickers shining through the amethyst of his eyes, he yanked the shoji of his bedroom open crying "KAORU!!!" at the top of his lungs. What he found inside shell-shocked him and made even the flowers in his hand wither downwards in dismay. The dream was over…

Rocking herself back and forth, Kaoru swallowed down the lump in her throat and succeeded in croaking something out before speech abandoned her entirely:

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to cry."

Kenshin's heart shrunk. So, she regretted everything… Well what was he expecting, for things to finally go his way for a change? Not likely. Fate had to torture him; it was his destiny to be let down time and again. It was his destiny to live in despair, never nestling what he so loved and wanted within his grasp, but always having it out of reach instead.

Slowly, the rurouni slid his body to a sitting position next to hers on the futon, flowers clutched tightly in his hand, his knuckles white. The fact that when she spoke she had not looked at him, had not gone by unnoticed. And so this is how it goes…

When Kaoru felt movement beside her she gasped, never expecting for Kenshin to come by so close, not after leaving her the way he did. Instantly surprised by his action she turned around and gaped at Kenshin's grave face. She bit her lip trying to hold back another wave of tears; her suspicions had been confirmed.

Out of the corner of his eye Kenshin saw her bite down on her lip, trying to contain the flood of tears that shook her uncontrollably. He closed his eyes and sighed; he felt too weak to say anything, too weak to move.

Kaoru waited impatiently for him to say something, anything at all to ease her mind, but his words never reached her expectant ears for he refused to speak.

"I should go" she exclaimed softly, but found herself in her previous predicament: unable to move. When she had started weeping in his room she had attempted to leave, to retire herself to her own room and hide there for the rest of eternity. Yet, her wobbly knees had made the whole 'walking away' process an extreme impossibility. Now, she commanded her legs to get a move on but, like before, she just stayed there inanimate, her feet rooted to the thin mattress.

"Here" he said at length, handing her the bouquet of flowers without so much as glancing her way.

"Flowers?! Why would you be giving me flowers?" she asked, too shocked to even accept them.

"I thought you might like them." He said with a shrug.

"That's thoughtful of you; at least I get some flowers…" she trailed off. Baka flowers in exchange of baka Kenshin.

"Sessha is sorry Kaoru-dono, sessha knew you would regret this-"

"What?!" she bellowed out in bewilderment. Is that what he thought, that she regretted sleeping with him?!

"Don't you? Don't you regret this?" he wondered aloud, hope rekindled within him.

"Iie!! How could you think that I would- I told you that I love you that I don't care- is that what you think, that I would- how could you think that I would- I could never regret last night, I could never…" She choked out.

"Then why are you crying?" His momentary relief turned into instant concern.

"Because you left and I didn't know where you were, and then Sano found me running around half-naked in my yukata, and then you still wouldn't come back and I started to think, and then I naturally assumed-"

"What did you assume?!" he asked cutting her off, trying to steer clear from the thought that Sanosuke had seen _his Kaoru half-naked._

"Well, I assumed that you… that you didn't… that I wasn't-"

At the sound of those words, Kenshin covered her mouth with his. He knew what was coming and he didn't ever want to hear her pronounce those words, he didn't want her to ever doubt that she wasn't anything but perfect in every way.

Kaoru pulled back gently, catching her breath. She looked up at him, her yes wide. So it _hadn't _been that bad for him…

He smiled into her eyes and smoothly brushed a loose strand of her hair behind her ear. He then pulled her into a warm embrace and whispered "you were wonderful" in her ear, nibbling at it softly.

Kaoru blushed and giggled a bit, just a tad giddy- who knew love and sake could have such similar effects on her? Of course sake made her more rowdy and violent, whereas love simply made her happy and dizzy and maybe queasy, all at the same time.

Prying himself from her Kenshin decided to play with her, just a teensy bit:

"So, what's that about Sano and a revealing yukata?" he asked, eyebrow arched.

"Oh, that! Well, umh, nothing important really, nothing that couldn't accidentally happen to anyone actually. Really Kenshin, there's no need for us to get into that, in fact, forget that I said anything!" she rambled nervously.

Kenshin eyed her seriously and took something out from the sleeve of his gi.

"I'm guessing that _whatever there is no reason to even discuss_ is why Sano is an unconscious bag of bones on the kitchen floor at the moment, correct?"

"Umh, kind of… See? No need for us to go over the matter since it's already been handled… personally."

"Is that so koishii? I don't think it has been handled personally enough!" he stated dangerously, standing up and heading towards the shoji, purposefully resting his hand on the sheathed sakabatou by his side. 

Kaoru stood up in a flash and tugged at his arm, desperately trying to make him reconsider.

"No, Kenshin, wait!!! Please leave this be!!! It wasn't intentional and I was the one that ran into the kitchen in such a disheveled state anyway! Please Kenshin, he didn't do anything wrong and I- wait a minute… did you just call me koishii?" 

Kaoru let go of his arm and focused on his handsome, smiling face. He never did have the intention of beating Sano senseless did he? He was just… playing with her?!!

Silently, Kenshin took a hold of her hand and twisted the stem of a daisy round her finger, the white petals staring up at her incredulous expression.

"Wha…" she gasped, unsure of what this meant.

"Just until a real one can be afforded. For the mean time, this is all I could find that seemed suitable. Please, forgive me for not offering you something better, but I promise I will make it up to you, Kaoru."

At this point, Kaoru flew into hysterics and had a full-fledged mood swing crisis. This was exactly like everything she had always dreamed. This was perfect. Well, except for the groom to be running off and the potential best man getting a _real _good look at the bride to be, and the best man getting sucker-punched by the potential bride, sporting a black eye now, most likely. Apart from that, perfection had been attained. Okay, so this wasn't the sapphire ring she has always wanted but, it really was ingenious and thoughtful and romantic, slightly corny- all in all perfect.

Tears streamed down her cheeks and she began to whimper practically collapsing on the floor, were it not for the helpful hand that steadied her. Laughter rose from the tips of her curled toes to the roots of her hair and exploded in such a way that she had to hold her sides. This was amazing!!! This had to be a dream!!! 

"Pinch me!" she, all of a sudden, demanded, in between a fit of laughter.

"Hunh?"

Kenshin had been taking in every single one of her reactions with fascination; he had never known that such an outburst of different emotions could bubble out of a person, all at once, all tangled up, one with the other. Then again, he had never known anyone like Kaoru…

"I have to make sure that this is real." she explained.

With a warm smile plastered on his face, he picked op her hand and planted a butterfly kiss on her open palm. Unable to resist this wonderful man any longer, Kaoru leaped into his arms and kissed him ardently. With their mouths inches apart, her eyes focused on his lips, she whispered something, something that would always be part of his fondest and most beautiful memories of her:

"Ask me…"

"What?"

"Ask me…"

"…Be my wife…"

"Took you long enough." 

Kenshin couldn't take it any longer and he instantly closed the distance between them with a hungry, demanding, loving kiss. She was his…

Kaoru buried her head in his chest and wrapped her arms around his waist. She wanted to stay in the embrace forever, never letting go.

"I love you…" Kenshin whispered, the soft rumbling of his chest as he pronounced said words engraved in Kaoru's heart until her dying day. 

Lifting her head, her eyes sparkled in absolute bliss, and then, she smiled…

**THE END**

_The long list of thank yous:_

_         **To Jen: Yes she finally kicked some sense into the stubborn man. Sorry for the update delay. Thank you for supporting me and this fic**_

**To koishii_touya: **Okay, first off: thank you for the praise. Second: you tell me if this one was better off than chapter 9, it took me a really long time to write, that's for sure. Also, I am planning a new story (as much as I can actually plan these things) and it will be a k/k, so stay tuned. Finally, thank you for your encouragement and see you at the next fic? ^_~

**To ****ShilviGrl/Amyjenc1****: If this was actually as great as you hoped it would be, that's pretty much up to you. Did I, however, put in as much effort as I could to this chapter? 100% guarantee!!! I am also sad that this is the end… but, the good news is I'll have a new story up and ready soon so, if you like, feel free to check it out (when I actually post it, that is). Oh, and another thing: HE SAID I LOVE YOU!!! Thank you for your encouraging reviews, without them, this fic would never have felt as special to me as it did and I would not have been as motivated to write it. Thanks again.**

**To tanpopo: **Well, the end, at long last… how d'you like it? So, she still didn't apologize; somehow I get the feeling he really stopped caring about that a LONG time ago (hehehe). Thanks for the great reviews and inspiration. When the new fic comes out, I hope you take a look-see. Bye!!! *waves madly like sugar-high five year old.*

**To Momori:** *blushing, flushing, all flustered up, that I am!* Thank you for the sweet words. You are right chapter 9 was very poetic, especially in comparison to this chapter. This was a bit more comical- interlaced with the regular dosage of angst- and not quite as overly fluffy. Then again, the ending can totally refute that statement by slapping me on the forehead. Thanks.

**To Mewberries:** To one of my favorite reviewers in the whole wide world: well, the adventure is over. Not to worry though, a new one is in the works. It won't have anything to do with this one except for the k/k pairing, though. To you I send my gratitude. Your reviews were really important to the completion of this fic and always managed to bring a smile to my face. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Did I mention that I would so much like to _thank you?_

**To Yami Yue: **I'll take you up on that offer!!! As soon as the new fic is up, I expect to find a review from you. Thank you for your kindness and comments. I hope you found this chapter worthy of the rest of the story and that, in your eyes, it was brought to a proper close. Thanks again.

**To Orora:** *bows low* Your review was amazing!!! Don't worry, your writing was perfectly understandable. All of your comments did the trick to get me up and ready for writing this last chapter; I'm telling you, your encouragement was really the incentive. Thank you for the praise, I'm glad that you like the way I write, in fact, it thrills me to know that you enjoy the way I write. My teachers aren't all that fond of my punctuation, although they say it's pretty unique. Thank you, one more time and look up my next fanfic when it comes out!!!

**To Kiki:** Well Kiki, sorry if you didn't like the fact that the characters had sex…

**To OCEAN FISH: **Okay, just to clarify; chapter 9 wasn't the end, this is!!! I loved your review, in fact I love all of them. Hey, do you have a fic up yet? I would love to see some of your writing. Thank you for the continuous incentive, reviews like yours are what make writing these things a real treat. Let's hear that one more time: THANK YOU!

**To Daughter of Magic:** I hope you actually reach the end of the fic- well if you are reading this it is because you did. *grins sheepishly*. Thankx for he review.

**To aerogirl401:** Well I kept the story up, till the very end might I add, so yey!!! I'm not one to usually finish what I start but, check me out; first fic and I actually completed it. Thank you for the review and thank you for liking my story.

**To mvdiva:** First off, you were one of the few people who commented on the sound sequence: I really wanted to know what people thought and it pleased me enormously to see that you enjoyed it. Second, I want a review for chapter 9 as well as chapter 10!!! As one of my favorite reviewers, I expect no less from you. Just kidding on the whole command front, finals must have me stressed out and acting bossy. Thank you for sticking through this with me, every step of the way. It is a truly wonderful thing to have people like you on the sidelines cheering me on. When I have the next story ready, it would be an honor for me, if I happened to find a review from you. Thanks again and bye, for now.

**To faeri-chan: **Reading your review made me overly joyous. To see someone who truly appreciated this in all it's immensity, and a fellow writer no less, was fantastic, thrilling, energizing and too many adjectives for me to go on rambling. From the bottom of this heart that I sort of put out there for the fic readers to see, thank you.

**To Jen:** (the one who only read to chapter 3) thanx for considering this humble piece of work as fab and thank you or dropping a line.

**To A.R Frederik: **A special thank you note goes out to you. I am in debt of you for your kindness, for your critical analysis of this piece, for motivational words, for… just for everything. Thank you so much, I will be sending you a mail soon, I haven't been up to it, with finals and all, but I would like to very much keep in touch with you. I have a little idea gnawing away at my brain for a second fic, it would please me to no end if, when it is finally a part of the fanficiton.net system, you take the time to read it. One more time: thanks.

**To Venus Smurf:** What can I say? It's over. You were my first reviewer ever and I expect to see loooong reviews from you tumbling in as soon as that laptop is once in again in your hands. Thank you for the advice, the challenge and the really kind reviews. This fic was going to be a one-shot and, because of you, there are so many people out there who actually got to experience this interesting story that I didn't even know I had in me. I'm not the only one who owes you a thank you; all the readers of this fic owe you one as well. I will come up with a second fic soon and I'm counting on you to inspire me like you did before. Take good care and consider this chapter, dedicated to you.

As for the others, meaning those who dropped reviews at random intervals and I didn't thank in this long list, and those who read but don't review, my gratitude. It makes me smile to know that people out there read this and like it.  


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